Well, it’s almost our nation’s Independence Day, so I thought I’d inform you of newsworthy activities that have occurred but you were bar-b-queing, so you might have missed them.
The U.S. found some Russian spies that have infiltrated our country. Apparently, they’ve got the market cornered on vodka but now want to take over the bourbon industry, I guess. I don’t mind the Russkies having spies over here, but couldn’t they do better than Boris Badenov’s 2nd cousins? I mean, try not using the mail-order Russian spy program is all I’m saying.
Jordan van der Sloot has changed his plea in his Peruvian murder case to “not guilty”. That kid… Maybe it’s just me but Jordan seems to be tarnishing the entire van der Sloot name. Next year, the worst thing you can name your child will be Hitler van der Sloot!
President Obama at a press conference in Maryland said that the economy is getting better. He cited the fact that we are doing better than last year. Not that I don’t like the smoking lug, but comparing the current U.S. situation to the worst time in American history is not setting the bar too high. That’s like Tiger Woods telling Elin, “Hey, at least I didn’t do your sister.” I’m just saying.
Texas is trying to enact legislation to make homosexuality a felony. Seriously. It would be illegal to engage in homosexual activity in the state of Texas. I can only assume that being “fabulous” would be a Misdemeanor and Show Tunes would now be considered “contraband.”
British Petroleum (BP) tried this week to oust Jesse James as the most hated figure on the planet. Their motives seem a bit extreme, I think. Sure, the beaches of 8 states will be soiled, there will be a drastic seafood shortage, millions will lose their jobs do to a failing industry, a few species will go extinct, and it is just way to slick to surf in Texas right now. That seems a bit much to become America’s most hated figure. I mean, really, all Jesse James did was cheat on America’s sweetheart with a Nazi.
Robert Byrd, the senator from the less-than-great state of West Virginia died at 92. He was more than a little taken back when he arrived at the Pearly Gates only to discover that God was black. Senator Byrd was also puzzled by the lack of long, white robes and the ubiquitous amount of over-sized FUBU t-shirts. Wow. Eternity must make 92 years looks like a cakewalk.
Paris Hilton was not charged with pot possession in South Africa after authorities claimed that they had seen her enjoying marijuana with friends at a World Cup Soccer match. Well, yeah! How can you even pretend to enjoy soccer (no, I’m not going to call it football!) without some help from Mary Jane? You don’t think that the 100,000 people blowing into a Vuvuzela aren’t a little high? Its kick ball with no bases! You HAVE to be loaded to even care about a match. The same thing with Wimbledon. If you watch Wimbledon, you probably also have “Twilight: Eclipse fever.” And therefore you must be gay.
So maybe don’t move to Texas.
I’m just saying.
DonQ
Friday, July 9, 2010
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