It’s December again and that means it’s the holiday season. But it’s also time to reflect on the year that was 2010.
What did I do this year? I worked at the golf course and had a few bad relationships (with girls). The 1st girl was into “role playing” in the bedroom which would have been okay if I could have chosen my own role. She was always a “college cheerleader”, a “sexy nurse” or a “domineering secret agent”. Me? She always wanted me to have the same role: her ex-boyfriend. A small price to pay to visit Historic Downtown DonQ, I thought, but the relationship fizzled…
The second girl was an egotistical beauty queen who was annoying as she was full of herself. Once, when I’d had enough, she said, “I’ve modeled on the runways of New York!” I asked which one. JFK or La Guardia? I haven’t heard from her in a while…
Since my brain injury hasn’t totally healed, I do a lot of stupid crap. I’ll mix up 7-11 with 9/11 sometimes. I’ll show up at Ground Zero looking to get some jerky and maybe a Slurpee.
I was admonished by the neighbor lady over a snowman that I’d made. It’s true, the snowman DID have a sizeable phallus that I fashioned from a cucumber and some grapes, but it was tastefully done, I thought. It was her contention that I should have made a uni-sex “snowperson.” Whatevs…
One of the revelations released from Wikileaks in secret documents was that Kris Kringle or “Santa Claus” was not born at the North Pole as history celebrates. Apparently, he was born in Kenya before moving northward to be the international Christmas representative. And it appears that he also has a well-kept secret drug problem. His corn cob pipe? Loaded with Salvia.
But all of the events of 2010 weren’t all bad.
* The popularity of President Obama has surged to an unprecedented 93%.
* Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Kanye West, Jesse James and Mel Gibson took the year off to spend more time with their family
* We still have one Golden Girl
* Jessica Simpson has maintained her Daisy Duke-like petite figure
and,
* Jersey Shore was resigned to a 15 year, $1,345,000,000 deal
Like I said, personally, not my best year, but for a lot of people, it was the evolution of awesome.
To all of you, I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Even Dave Madden. Even though he stole Scarlett Johansen away from Ryan Reynolds. THAT wasn’t cool! Kinda hot… But not cool!
Anyway,
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM DONQ®
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sunday, November 14, 2010
November News
President Bush’s new memoir, Decision Points, was finally released to, surprisingly, a very accepting audience. Said one third-grader, “I liked it when he kept getting his head stuck in the banister on the stairs. That was funny.” In an unfortunate decision from the publisher, the book was not released in a “choose your own adventure” format. This feature would have allowed readers not to invade Iraq, not listen to Dick Chaney, to show up in New Orleans within a respectable timetable and keeping oil companies from making more of a profit than they ever have ever, in the history of ever. On the other hand there are some delightful pictures in the book.
Bristol Palin remains on ABC’s Dancing With The Stars and is heading to the finals despite doubts from many Blue Dog Democrats who doubted her knowledge of the “rhythm method.”
Kanye West has apologized for suggesting that George Bush does not care for black people. Apparently it was a quote from Bush’s new book that turned West’s head around. Bush stated, “I used to own the Texas Rangers, for crying out loud! If I didn’t own—I mean have black people on the team—we would have been in last place every year.”
A bipartisan group dedicated to coming up with a reasonable plan to fix the tattered U.S. economy suggested changing the retirement age from 62 to 69. Most U.S. workers are understandably upset about the prospect, but the most disgruntled employees seem to those working in the adult film/porn industry.
Wade Phillips was fired as head coach from the Dallas Cowboys. After his less-than-stellar record coaching the Cowboys, it was widely speculated that his departure was imminent. On the upside for Phillips, after being fired, he does qualify for Seasonal Unemployment.
Jessica Simpson became engaged to the NFL’s Eric Johnson, her new beau of 6 months. It’s rumored that they “have to get married” because, obviously, she’s in her 2nd trimester. Those “mom” jeans she’s been sporting, I have to assume, are mostly elastic. If she’s not pregnant, my apologies, of course, but damn…
After being kicked off DWTS, Audrina Patridge's mother was spotted ranting, “I’ve had it. I’ve been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bullsh*t, but Audrina’s going to the next level, baby. F—ing Hills girls – Hills tramps! My baby’s a star! She’s the only one that has some class and I don’t give a f— about it.” After witnessing said rant, Judd Apatow, wunderkind producer, announced the leading role in his new production, “Arthur 3: That bitch wants to bring it on? Let’s go!”
Ready to make his acting debut, Bill Clinton has filmed a guest spot on the much awaited movie "The Hangover 2". According to People magazine, the former commander-in-chief portrays himself during a brief appearance shot in Bangkok, Thailand. Apparently this installment of the Hangover will also breach the taboo subject of “ratards.”
Finally, it was revealed in George W. Bush’s recent memoir than the entire White House staff knew that the ex-president hated using a toilet after someone else citing the “icky warmth.” Understandably his quick thinking staff incorporated a refrigerated bidet that more than pleased Bush but quickly got the attention of visiting foreign dignitaries.
I’m sure that there will be more to happen. And I’m sure that everyone, including Jessica Simpson, will eat way too much on Thanksgiving, but have a nice holiday anyway. You might as well.
DonQ
Bristol Palin remains on ABC’s Dancing With The Stars and is heading to the finals despite doubts from many Blue Dog Democrats who doubted her knowledge of the “rhythm method.”
Kanye West has apologized for suggesting that George Bush does not care for black people. Apparently it was a quote from Bush’s new book that turned West’s head around. Bush stated, “I used to own the Texas Rangers, for crying out loud! If I didn’t own—I mean have black people on the team—we would have been in last place every year.”
A bipartisan group dedicated to coming up with a reasonable plan to fix the tattered U.S. economy suggested changing the retirement age from 62 to 69. Most U.S. workers are understandably upset about the prospect, but the most disgruntled employees seem to those working in the adult film/porn industry.
Wade Phillips was fired as head coach from the Dallas Cowboys. After his less-than-stellar record coaching the Cowboys, it was widely speculated that his departure was imminent. On the upside for Phillips, after being fired, he does qualify for Seasonal Unemployment.
Jessica Simpson became engaged to the NFL’s Eric Johnson, her new beau of 6 months. It’s rumored that they “have to get married” because, obviously, she’s in her 2nd trimester. Those “mom” jeans she’s been sporting, I have to assume, are mostly elastic. If she’s not pregnant, my apologies, of course, but damn…
After being kicked off DWTS, Audrina Patridge's mother was spotted ranting, “I’ve had it. I’ve been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bullsh*t, but Audrina’s going to the next level, baby. F—ing Hills girls – Hills tramps! My baby’s a star! She’s the only one that has some class and I don’t give a f— about it.” After witnessing said rant, Judd Apatow, wunderkind producer, announced the leading role in his new production, “Arthur 3: That bitch wants to bring it on? Let’s go!”
Ready to make his acting debut, Bill Clinton has filmed a guest spot on the much awaited movie "The Hangover 2". According to People magazine, the former commander-in-chief portrays himself during a brief appearance shot in Bangkok, Thailand. Apparently this installment of the Hangover will also breach the taboo subject of “ratards.”
Finally, it was revealed in George W. Bush’s recent memoir than the entire White House staff knew that the ex-president hated using a toilet after someone else citing the “icky warmth.” Understandably his quick thinking staff incorporated a refrigerated bidet that more than pleased Bush but quickly got the attention of visiting foreign dignitaries.
I’m sure that there will be more to happen. And I’m sure that everyone, including Jessica Simpson, will eat way too much on Thanksgiving, but have a nice holiday anyway. You might as well.
DonQ
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I Am Running For Mayor
I’ve decided I’m running for mayor.
Wasilla, Alaska needs me. Of course I am afraid of wolves, hate the cold, and have really no flannel to speak of in my stylish, GQ-esque, lavish wardrobe, but when a town needs me, I show up with bells on! (Not literally, I mean that metaphorically. Don’t come to any of my rally’s just to see me rockin’ the bells. It’s just a figure of speech).
It seems that my only competition is a Mr. Levi Johnston. He is starring in a reality show "Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office," which will be based on Johnston as he tries to balance his life, run for office and being a father to his and baby mama Bristol Palin’s son Tripp. Okay. He didn’t get his high school diploma, his kid’s name is Tripp and his favorite band is Kottonmouth Kings. Yeah. He doesn’t puff the Cheebah…
Although Wasilla is where Sarah Palin got her start in politics, moving up from City Council to mayor before winning election as Alaska's governor in 2006, that is not why I am running for mayor.
I know, I know. “Don, you’ve got more skeletons in your closet than Jeffrey Dahmer.” True. There are a few things that could hinder my mayoral attempt.
For instance, yes, it’s true that I am openly straight. Verne Rupright, the outspoken current mayor of Wasilla, maintains that he is 100% heterosexual, but come on. He’s always got his car in Trent Buschar’s repair shop and hangs around “til the job’s done.” Nobody’s car breaks down twice a week. Even if it is a Saab. Who is he kidding?
Yes, it’s true that I have a brother who is a Mormon Extremist and his religious/political beliefs have landed him on the No Fly List and he is less than welcome at any political rallies, swap meets, Denny’s, scout-a-rama’s or church basketball games.
According to the Wasilla city clerk, the next mayoral election is in 2011. That means I have a few months to get my message out there. Levi Johnston? He has no message! When he appeared on The View he said, “At this point in time, I couldn't tell you," after Whoopi Goldberg asked what his political platform was. "I said I was running for mayor, what, a month ago?" He added, “I have a three step plan: get some really tricked out rims for my truck, win my Fantasy Football League this year, and then get a platform. In that order.”
I want to be mayor because I understand the problems facing Wasilla. The moose problem? I’ve seen every Rocky & Bullwinkle show, so I think I know how to handle that particular situation. And if a squirrel problem arises? No problem there either.
Teen runaways have been a major issue as of late in the greater Wasilla area. My solution? Recreational drugs for the kids. If teens can forget that they live in Alaska or at the very least, get can get their mellow on while enjoying gallons of hot chocolate in front of the fire, they are way less likely to run away. Or even think about it.
I do not see homelessness as a problem. The guys in Vegas or L.A. who live in a cardboard box and stuff their clothes with newspapers to keep warm? Yeah, they’d last about 45 minutes in Wasilla, Alaska. Problem solved.
As you can see, I am perfect for the mayoral position. Sure I might be a flaming heterosexual, but don’t hold my Don Q. Juan ways against me. I just want to focus on Wasilla. Levi Johnston? He wants to focus on whether or not Tony Romo is going to be back this season, because like a jackass, he picked him as his fantasy football quarterback.
I believe in Wasilla, I have heard of Wasilla, and I will make Wasilla as good as it can be considering its many geographic disadvantages. Vote for me the next time they elect a mayor of Wasilla. Whenever that may be.
(I am DonQ and I approved this e-mail)
Wasilla, Alaska needs me. Of course I am afraid of wolves, hate the cold, and have really no flannel to speak of in my stylish, GQ-esque, lavish wardrobe, but when a town needs me, I show up with bells on! (Not literally, I mean that metaphorically. Don’t come to any of my rally’s just to see me rockin’ the bells. It’s just a figure of speech).
It seems that my only competition is a Mr. Levi Johnston. He is starring in a reality show "Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office," which will be based on Johnston as he tries to balance his life, run for office and being a father to his and baby mama Bristol Palin’s son Tripp. Okay. He didn’t get his high school diploma, his kid’s name is Tripp and his favorite band is Kottonmouth Kings. Yeah. He doesn’t puff the Cheebah…
Although Wasilla is where Sarah Palin got her start in politics, moving up from City Council to mayor before winning election as Alaska's governor in 2006, that is not why I am running for mayor.
I know, I know. “Don, you’ve got more skeletons in your closet than Jeffrey Dahmer.” True. There are a few things that could hinder my mayoral attempt.
For instance, yes, it’s true that I am openly straight. Verne Rupright, the outspoken current mayor of Wasilla, maintains that he is 100% heterosexual, but come on. He’s always got his car in Trent Buschar’s repair shop and hangs around “til the job’s done.” Nobody’s car breaks down twice a week. Even if it is a Saab. Who is he kidding?
Yes, it’s true that I have a brother who is a Mormon Extremist and his religious/political beliefs have landed him on the No Fly List and he is less than welcome at any political rallies, swap meets, Denny’s, scout-a-rama’s or church basketball games.
According to the Wasilla city clerk, the next mayoral election is in 2011. That means I have a few months to get my message out there. Levi Johnston? He has no message! When he appeared on The View he said, “At this point in time, I couldn't tell you," after Whoopi Goldberg asked what his political platform was. "I said I was running for mayor, what, a month ago?" He added, “I have a three step plan: get some really tricked out rims for my truck, win my Fantasy Football League this year, and then get a platform. In that order.”
I want to be mayor because I understand the problems facing Wasilla. The moose problem? I’ve seen every Rocky & Bullwinkle show, so I think I know how to handle that particular situation. And if a squirrel problem arises? No problem there either.
Teen runaways have been a major issue as of late in the greater Wasilla area. My solution? Recreational drugs for the kids. If teens can forget that they live in Alaska or at the very least, get can get their mellow on while enjoying gallons of hot chocolate in front of the fire, they are way less likely to run away. Or even think about it.
I do not see homelessness as a problem. The guys in Vegas or L.A. who live in a cardboard box and stuff their clothes with newspapers to keep warm? Yeah, they’d last about 45 minutes in Wasilla, Alaska. Problem solved.
As you can see, I am perfect for the mayoral position. Sure I might be a flaming heterosexual, but don’t hold my Don Q. Juan ways against me. I just want to focus on Wasilla. Levi Johnston? He wants to focus on whether or not Tony Romo is going to be back this season, because like a jackass, he picked him as his fantasy football quarterback.
I believe in Wasilla, I have heard of Wasilla, and I will make Wasilla as good as it can be considering its many geographic disadvantages. Vote for me the next time they elect a mayor of Wasilla. Whenever that may be.
(I am DonQ and I approved this e-mail)
Friday, October 29, 2010
October, 2010 News
Charlie Sheen led this week’s news with a breakdown in a posh New York hotel with a girl who may or may not have been a hooker. His publicist claims that the emotional outburst was due to an adverse reaction to medication that he was taking, or as Wikipedia calls it, “a bad trip.” That Charlie! He could beat a nun to death with a sack of puppies and he’d still be “good ol’ Charlie” to everyone.
The alleged Tiger Woods sex tape has been proven to be a phony after the entertainment world was abuzz with the possibility of a new celebrity sex tape. I could have told them it was fake. Tiger takes off his WHITE Nike golf shirt before fornicating with what can only be described as a “woman.” On the bottom right hand part of the screen, the date is shown to be Sun. Nov. 7, 2007. EVERYONE KNOWS TIGER ONLY WEARS RED ON SUNDAYS!
President Obama seems to be losing his massive appeal with fellow Democrats in the upcoming November election. Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine made clear in an interview with "Fox & Friends" last week that he thinks candidates are more and more distancing themselves from the president. It’s kind of like in high school when you invite that one kid to the party just to be nice, then you are mortified when he wants to hang out with you all night. You’re telling the girls at the party, “I don’t know… He kind of looks up to me and follows me around.” And you tell the guys, “I don’t know who invited him… maybe someone should just take him home.”
The New York Gubernatorial debate has been electrified with “The rent is too damn high” party candidate, Jimmy McMillan. Other than “rent” I am not sure exactly what Jimmy stands for, but you have to admire a guy that reminds you of both Uncle Remus AND Colonel Sanders. And in his defense, the rent IS too damn high.
Speaking of Partys, China has released a statement concerning the growing popularity of the Tea Party movement in the United States. China claims, “Yeah, we started a Tea Party about 1,000 years ago and that lasted a good 3 years before we became Communists. Way to ‘take your country back’ you stupid Americans.”
Lindsay Lohan was allowed to enter rehab instead of heading back to jail, making what has to be her eighth stint in rehab. She’d better be careful though or she might fall victim to California’s new “9 Strikes and You’re Out” policy.
You know how I know you’re gay? You know who’s out on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Brett Favre is under fire for sending racy e-mails and pictures to Jets sideline hostess Jenn Sterger. Allegedly in 2008, Favre sent pictures of himself, along with voicemails soliciting sexual encounters. Note to Brett: if you’re going to send a picture of your junk to impress a girl, take a picture of one of you’re lineman’s junk. Your head won’t be in the shot so she’ll never know and even if she doesn’t accept a rendezvous with you, maybe she’ll show all her friends and word will get around town about “how well-endowed that Favre guy is.” I’m just sayin’.
On the local Public Access channel, they’ve started a new reality show called “Real house wives of Sevier County.” It’s entertaining, I guess, but I have to wonder if all of those girl fights at Bunco are staged.
That’s it for October. Happy Halloween!
The alleged Tiger Woods sex tape has been proven to be a phony after the entertainment world was abuzz with the possibility of a new celebrity sex tape. I could have told them it was fake. Tiger takes off his WHITE Nike golf shirt before fornicating with what can only be described as a “woman.” On the bottom right hand part of the screen, the date is shown to be Sun. Nov. 7, 2007. EVERYONE KNOWS TIGER ONLY WEARS RED ON SUNDAYS!
President Obama seems to be losing his massive appeal with fellow Democrats in the upcoming November election. Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine made clear in an interview with "Fox & Friends" last week that he thinks candidates are more and more distancing themselves from the president. It’s kind of like in high school when you invite that one kid to the party just to be nice, then you are mortified when he wants to hang out with you all night. You’re telling the girls at the party, “I don’t know… He kind of looks up to me and follows me around.” And you tell the guys, “I don’t know who invited him… maybe someone should just take him home.”
The New York Gubernatorial debate has been electrified with “The rent is too damn high” party candidate, Jimmy McMillan. Other than “rent” I am not sure exactly what Jimmy stands for, but you have to admire a guy that reminds you of both Uncle Remus AND Colonel Sanders. And in his defense, the rent IS too damn high.
Speaking of Partys, China has released a statement concerning the growing popularity of the Tea Party movement in the United States. China claims, “Yeah, we started a Tea Party about 1,000 years ago and that lasted a good 3 years before we became Communists. Way to ‘take your country back’ you stupid Americans.”
Lindsay Lohan was allowed to enter rehab instead of heading back to jail, making what has to be her eighth stint in rehab. She’d better be careful though or she might fall victim to California’s new “9 Strikes and You’re Out” policy.
You know how I know you’re gay? You know who’s out on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Brett Favre is under fire for sending racy e-mails and pictures to Jets sideline hostess Jenn Sterger. Allegedly in 2008, Favre sent pictures of himself, along with voicemails soliciting sexual encounters. Note to Brett: if you’re going to send a picture of your junk to impress a girl, take a picture of one of you’re lineman’s junk. Your head won’t be in the shot so she’ll never know and even if she doesn’t accept a rendezvous with you, maybe she’ll show all her friends and word will get around town about “how well-endowed that Favre guy is.” I’m just sayin’.
On the local Public Access channel, they’ve started a new reality show called “Real house wives of Sevier County.” It’s entertaining, I guess, but I have to wonder if all of those girl fights at Bunco are staged.
That’s it for October. Happy Halloween!
Friday, July 9, 2010
July, 2010 News
Well, it’s almost our nation’s Independence Day, so I thought I’d inform you of newsworthy activities that have occurred but you were bar-b-queing, so you might have missed them.
The U.S. found some Russian spies that have infiltrated our country. Apparently, they’ve got the market cornered on vodka but now want to take over the bourbon industry, I guess. I don’t mind the Russkies having spies over here, but couldn’t they do better than Boris Badenov’s 2nd cousins? I mean, try not using the mail-order Russian spy program is all I’m saying.
Jordan van der Sloot has changed his plea in his Peruvian murder case to “not guilty”. That kid… Maybe it’s just me but Jordan seems to be tarnishing the entire van der Sloot name. Next year, the worst thing you can name your child will be Hitler van der Sloot!
President Obama at a press conference in Maryland said that the economy is getting better. He cited the fact that we are doing better than last year. Not that I don’t like the smoking lug, but comparing the current U.S. situation to the worst time in American history is not setting the bar too high. That’s like Tiger Woods telling Elin, “Hey, at least I didn’t do your sister.” I’m just saying.
Texas is trying to enact legislation to make homosexuality a felony. Seriously. It would be illegal to engage in homosexual activity in the state of Texas. I can only assume that being “fabulous” would be a Misdemeanor and Show Tunes would now be considered “contraband.”
British Petroleum (BP) tried this week to oust Jesse James as the most hated figure on the planet. Their motives seem a bit extreme, I think. Sure, the beaches of 8 states will be soiled, there will be a drastic seafood shortage, millions will lose their jobs do to a failing industry, a few species will go extinct, and it is just way to slick to surf in Texas right now. That seems a bit much to become America’s most hated figure. I mean, really, all Jesse James did was cheat on America’s sweetheart with a Nazi.
Robert Byrd, the senator from the less-than-great state of West Virginia died at 92. He was more than a little taken back when he arrived at the Pearly Gates only to discover that God was black. Senator Byrd was also puzzled by the lack of long, white robes and the ubiquitous amount of over-sized FUBU t-shirts. Wow. Eternity must make 92 years looks like a cakewalk.
Paris Hilton was not charged with pot possession in South Africa after authorities claimed that they had seen her enjoying marijuana with friends at a World Cup Soccer match. Well, yeah! How can you even pretend to enjoy soccer (no, I’m not going to call it football!) without some help from Mary Jane? You don’t think that the 100,000 people blowing into a Vuvuzela aren’t a little high? Its kick ball with no bases! You HAVE to be loaded to even care about a match. The same thing with Wimbledon. If you watch Wimbledon, you probably also have “Twilight: Eclipse fever.” And therefore you must be gay.
So maybe don’t move to Texas.
I’m just saying.
DonQ
The U.S. found some Russian spies that have infiltrated our country. Apparently, they’ve got the market cornered on vodka but now want to take over the bourbon industry, I guess. I don’t mind the Russkies having spies over here, but couldn’t they do better than Boris Badenov’s 2nd cousins? I mean, try not using the mail-order Russian spy program is all I’m saying.
Jordan van der Sloot has changed his plea in his Peruvian murder case to “not guilty”. That kid… Maybe it’s just me but Jordan seems to be tarnishing the entire van der Sloot name. Next year, the worst thing you can name your child will be Hitler van der Sloot!
President Obama at a press conference in Maryland said that the economy is getting better. He cited the fact that we are doing better than last year. Not that I don’t like the smoking lug, but comparing the current U.S. situation to the worst time in American history is not setting the bar too high. That’s like Tiger Woods telling Elin, “Hey, at least I didn’t do your sister.” I’m just saying.
Texas is trying to enact legislation to make homosexuality a felony. Seriously. It would be illegal to engage in homosexual activity in the state of Texas. I can only assume that being “fabulous” would be a Misdemeanor and Show Tunes would now be considered “contraband.”
British Petroleum (BP) tried this week to oust Jesse James as the most hated figure on the planet. Their motives seem a bit extreme, I think. Sure, the beaches of 8 states will be soiled, there will be a drastic seafood shortage, millions will lose their jobs do to a failing industry, a few species will go extinct, and it is just way to slick to surf in Texas right now. That seems a bit much to become America’s most hated figure. I mean, really, all Jesse James did was cheat on America’s sweetheart with a Nazi.
Robert Byrd, the senator from the less-than-great state of West Virginia died at 92. He was more than a little taken back when he arrived at the Pearly Gates only to discover that God was black. Senator Byrd was also puzzled by the lack of long, white robes and the ubiquitous amount of over-sized FUBU t-shirts. Wow. Eternity must make 92 years looks like a cakewalk.
Paris Hilton was not charged with pot possession in South Africa after authorities claimed that they had seen her enjoying marijuana with friends at a World Cup Soccer match. Well, yeah! How can you even pretend to enjoy soccer (no, I’m not going to call it football!) without some help from Mary Jane? You don’t think that the 100,000 people blowing into a Vuvuzela aren’t a little high? Its kick ball with no bases! You HAVE to be loaded to even care about a match. The same thing with Wimbledon. If you watch Wimbledon, you probably also have “Twilight: Eclipse fever.” And therefore you must be gay.
So maybe don’t move to Texas.
I’m just saying.
DonQ
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Deficit, shmeficit
On the news the other night, President Obama claimed that the U.S. could possibly go bankrupt. I knew that the U.S. was 12.13 trillion in debt, but I thought, hey, no biggie. Everyone’s in debt. Plus, other countries know we’re good for it, right? But…
I can fix this. And I didn’t even finish college (college is hard!). I’m only a few credits short. BUT. I can fix this.
NASA announced a $17.6 billion budget for fiscal year 2009. Don’t do this. Even if we do find water on the moon, that’s only going to create competition for Mount Olympus (a nice American-based company and not some “moon-based company”). Let’s fix things down here before we look to galaxies far, far, away. Boom! 17 billion saved!
I’ve noticed that people like to get high. I’m not judging, but congress hates this. We even have a “war on drugs” so we can stop Joe the Plummer from getting high. The U.S., this year, has spent $19,279,628 on the federal level and $29,594,230 on the state level. Is it working? It’s bumped the price of a dime bag of pot a few bucks, but really, that’s about it. If you want to go about things legally, you can get a prescription for almost anything. Pfizer, has annual sales of about $48 billion. Why? PEOPLE LIKE TO GET HIGH. Drop the war on drugs and tax legalized marijuana? 48+ millions saved!
You know what else people like? Their cars. Former General Motors Corp. Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner retired Aug. 1 with a pension and benefit package the automaker valued at more than $10 million. So when you ask the salesmen why that Chevy Surburban is so much, he’s likely to say, “Hey, our CEOs hafta eat!” And if GM can’t afford to pay this man his $10 million? We bail them out with your income tax. Considering the $3.9 trillion bailout is about 25% of the U.S. economy, I think bailouts are necessary, because if we wouldn’t have bailed them out? Poor Rick would only get something in the hundreds of thousands.
And what do our cars run on? Gas. Mostly. I read that ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond received a $400 million retirement package. I think there may be a slight mark-up in oil. I buy Japanese because, well, their CEO’s don’t require a retirement package, thus passing the savings on to moi. And screw GM. We didn’t bail out Honda, yet they’re still doing okay.
Where else can we save some coin?
Education. Education is being touted as “Necessary to today’s youth.” All told, we’ve spent more than $480 billion on public education. Have you talked with some of the kids in Utah? They think “sa-um” and “mou-uns” are actual words. I say, save the money and let the kids learn from their parents. Their parents are smart. They buy American! Call a spade a spade and drop education budget? 480 billion saved!
I was going to go back to work at the golf course this year until I found out that the government will pay you NOT to grow certain crops. It’s a no-brainer! I’m just going to stay home and not grow some crap and collect the paycheck. And if they drag their feet on my funds? I’ll threaten them!
“Pay me, or I’ll grow beets! I’m not kidding! I’ll do it!” Then, I’ll sit back, not grow beets and count my government money.
Wars.
I have to be honest. I really don’t care about the Afghan people. Or the Iraqi people. I barely care about people I know, let alone people across the globe in a desert where I’m not going to be headed for Spring Break. We could pull out now and save about $234 trillion in Afghanistan and $709 trillion in Iraq. Have families home for Christmas? 934 billion saved. You’re welcome.
So who votes on and approves all of these great ideas? Senators and politicians. Senators and politicians who are voting on a health care plan that won’t affect them. They’re already covered. They try to fix Social Security, which is not applicable to them. They’re already covered. The annual base salary of each senator, as of 2009, is $174,000. The annual base salary for each congressman is the same. During the Constitutional Convention, Benjamin Franklin considered proposing that elected government officials not be paid for their service. Other Founding Fathers, however, decided otherwise. Phew!
So we have this debt, I guess. How can we spend more money than we have? China has bought more than $1 trillion of American debt. We owe other countries as well as China, which we directly owe 800 billion dollars. (Although China said we can’t have any more money until all of our chores are done. ALL of them!)
If I were to base my personal finances on the U.S.’s example, I’d take $100 and spend it on a bottle of Glenfiddich, a new Callaway driver, a car, a Gibson Les Paul, commission a portrait of myself, buy nicer rugs, get a Shammy™, buy some 8-12 count shrimp, get some more Ray Ban®s, get some Heineken for visiting company, and have Brad and Angelina over for my New Years party, even if it’s more than $50 for an appearance fee (it’s worth it!). If that comes to a little over $100, I’ll just start a deficit.
That’s what you do right? I'm just saying.
I can fix this. And I didn’t even finish college (college is hard!). I’m only a few credits short. BUT. I can fix this.
NASA announced a $17.6 billion budget for fiscal year 2009. Don’t do this. Even if we do find water on the moon, that’s only going to create competition for Mount Olympus (a nice American-based company and not some “moon-based company”). Let’s fix things down here before we look to galaxies far, far, away. Boom! 17 billion saved!
I’ve noticed that people like to get high. I’m not judging, but congress hates this. We even have a “war on drugs” so we can stop Joe the Plummer from getting high. The U.S., this year, has spent $19,279,628 on the federal level and $29,594,230 on the state level. Is it working? It’s bumped the price of a dime bag of pot a few bucks, but really, that’s about it. If you want to go about things legally, you can get a prescription for almost anything. Pfizer, has annual sales of about $48 billion. Why? PEOPLE LIKE TO GET HIGH. Drop the war on drugs and tax legalized marijuana? 48+ millions saved!
You know what else people like? Their cars. Former General Motors Corp. Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner retired Aug. 1 with a pension and benefit package the automaker valued at more than $10 million. So when you ask the salesmen why that Chevy Surburban is so much, he’s likely to say, “Hey, our CEOs hafta eat!” And if GM can’t afford to pay this man his $10 million? We bail them out with your income tax. Considering the $3.9 trillion bailout is about 25% of the U.S. economy, I think bailouts are necessary, because if we wouldn’t have bailed them out? Poor Rick would only get something in the hundreds of thousands.
And what do our cars run on? Gas. Mostly. I read that ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond received a $400 million retirement package. I think there may be a slight mark-up in oil. I buy Japanese because, well, their CEO’s don’t require a retirement package, thus passing the savings on to moi. And screw GM. We didn’t bail out Honda, yet they’re still doing okay.
Where else can we save some coin?
Education. Education is being touted as “Necessary to today’s youth.” All told, we’ve spent more than $480 billion on public education. Have you talked with some of the kids in Utah? They think “sa-um” and “mou-uns” are actual words. I say, save the money and let the kids learn from their parents. Their parents are smart. They buy American! Call a spade a spade and drop education budget? 480 billion saved!
I was going to go back to work at the golf course this year until I found out that the government will pay you NOT to grow certain crops. It’s a no-brainer! I’m just going to stay home and not grow some crap and collect the paycheck. And if they drag their feet on my funds? I’ll threaten them!
“Pay me, or I’ll grow beets! I’m not kidding! I’ll do it!” Then, I’ll sit back, not grow beets and count my government money.
Wars.
I have to be honest. I really don’t care about the Afghan people. Or the Iraqi people. I barely care about people I know, let alone people across the globe in a desert where I’m not going to be headed for Spring Break. We could pull out now and save about $234 trillion in Afghanistan and $709 trillion in Iraq. Have families home for Christmas? 934 billion saved. You’re welcome.
So who votes on and approves all of these great ideas? Senators and politicians. Senators and politicians who are voting on a health care plan that won’t affect them. They’re already covered. They try to fix Social Security, which is not applicable to them. They’re already covered. The annual base salary of each senator, as of 2009, is $174,000. The annual base salary for each congressman is the same. During the Constitutional Convention, Benjamin Franklin considered proposing that elected government officials not be paid for their service. Other Founding Fathers, however, decided otherwise. Phew!
So we have this debt, I guess. How can we spend more money than we have? China has bought more than $1 trillion of American debt. We owe other countries as well as China, which we directly owe 800 billion dollars. (Although China said we can’t have any more money until all of our chores are done. ALL of them!)
If I were to base my personal finances on the U.S.’s example, I’d take $100 and spend it on a bottle of Glenfiddich, a new Callaway driver, a car, a Gibson Les Paul, commission a portrait of myself, buy nicer rugs, get a Shammy™, buy some 8-12 count shrimp, get some more Ray Ban®s, get some Heineken for visiting company, and have Brad and Angelina over for my New Years party, even if it’s more than $50 for an appearance fee (it’s worth it!). If that comes to a little over $100, I’ll just start a deficit.
That’s what you do right? I'm just saying.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
October News
Man.
October has turned out to be quite eventful. And not just because of the turning leaves, which supposedly, are pretty. No, there are things happening now that make Nostradamas say, “WTF?” And some of it, I am appalled by. Really.
Since when did building and releasing a pretty balloon become illegal? Richard Heene would like to know! He’s a scientist. That’s what scientists do! Ben Franklin flew a kite and discovered electricity. Just imagine if they would have advanced charges against Mr. Franklin. A lot of scientists use balloons. They’re popular. They are good for safe-sex and discovering things. Nigel Framingham, who discovered static electricity? He did it with his hair… and a balloon! Richard Heene merely used a balloon to find out how to expedite media saturation using Falcon, the FAA, the FBI and CNN. It was just a scientific experiment, but no one realizes that.
Halloween will be celebrated on Oct. 31st by boys and girls 6-12 or by major sluts who have been looking for and excuse to walk around nearly naked and go to a bar where they hope to be oogled and bought drinks due to an extreme lack of self esteem/confidence brought on by that one boy who wouldn’t give her the time of day in Middle School. Poor whores.
Obama’s Health Care plan is under major scrutiny. I don’t totally understand the plan advanced by the Democratic Party. I guess it has to do with the uninsured, insurance companies and employer’s requirement to insure all employees. Man, there is a lot of chatter on this topic. Like most Americans, I relate the topic to ME. I was hit, head on, by a man who had over 20 alcohol-related violations on his record. He got a DUI, a month earlier. Then he hit me, DUI. Geico decided to insure him, so he was covered. Since I was an employee of Richfield City, and they didn’t offer medical insurance to someone in my position, and because Richfield City is evil and worships the devil, he was covered, but I was not. Good thing I had an extra $240k on my dresser, cause if not? I’d be screwed. I assume everyone has $200-300k on their dresser, so I think the status quo is just fine. The insurance companies deserve all the billions that they make because it takes a lot of stones to insure a man with over 20 alcohol violations on his record. And keeps getting them. You have to admire Geico. And what a cute lizard!
Brett Farve is undefeated (so far) in the NFL guiding the Minnesota Vikings. His story is such an inspiration that NBC is planning a made-for-TV special about him starring Kirk Douglas as the spunky but talented Brett Favre. I don’t know. Kirk Douglas is a great actor, but wearing the makeup to make himself look older? I’m skeptical. I mean, he dialed in Spartacus, but Brett Favre? We’ll see.
Rod Blagojevich is set to be one of the contestants on Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice.” Between The Donald and Blagojevich, it is set to be a cosmetology fantasy camp. Between Blagojevich’s Ocean Spray logo hair swoop and Trumps’ hairpiece-gone-evil coif, the ratings should be phenomenal. I’m just saying.
President Barrack Obama is still having “beer summits” to find out whether or not to send more or less people to Afghanistan. I’d send in, maybe five. I’d send in Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan and Lindsay Lohan. I mean, I know Lindsay probably wouldn’t make it, which I’m fine with, but the other guys? Damn. I’ve seen them defeat bigger countries than Afghanistan. And while they do it or after they do it? They always say something cool.
Janet Napolitano, the Director of Homeland Security for the Obama administration, offered a controversial remedy for the Swine Flu last week. It seems Medical Marijuana stops the Swine Flu in its tracks. Since the ambiguous marijuana laws differ from state to state, some areas of the U.S. are, like, way better off to stave off the new flu. For instance, California? Dude! No Swine Flu. Utah? They expect losses of more than 300,000 citizens. I wish I could pick which ones…
Anyway, there are way more stories that are happening, but Leave it to Lamas is almost on, so, well, you know. Have a great Halloween and I hope you have a great, unique costume. And if you’re a whore? I hope several people buy you drinks and marvel at your cheerleader/Playboy Bunny/stripper costume. You deserve it. The free drinks should more than make up for your Daddy Issues.
October has turned out to be quite eventful. And not just because of the turning leaves, which supposedly, are pretty. No, there are things happening now that make Nostradamas say, “WTF?” And some of it, I am appalled by. Really.
Since when did building and releasing a pretty balloon become illegal? Richard Heene would like to know! He’s a scientist. That’s what scientists do! Ben Franklin flew a kite and discovered electricity. Just imagine if they would have advanced charges against Mr. Franklin. A lot of scientists use balloons. They’re popular. They are good for safe-sex and discovering things. Nigel Framingham, who discovered static electricity? He did it with his hair… and a balloon! Richard Heene merely used a balloon to find out how to expedite media saturation using Falcon, the FAA, the FBI and CNN. It was just a scientific experiment, but no one realizes that.
Halloween will be celebrated on Oct. 31st by boys and girls 6-12 or by major sluts who have been looking for and excuse to walk around nearly naked and go to a bar where they hope to be oogled and bought drinks due to an extreme lack of self esteem/confidence brought on by that one boy who wouldn’t give her the time of day in Middle School. Poor whores.
Obama’s Health Care plan is under major scrutiny. I don’t totally understand the plan advanced by the Democratic Party. I guess it has to do with the uninsured, insurance companies and employer’s requirement to insure all employees. Man, there is a lot of chatter on this topic. Like most Americans, I relate the topic to ME. I was hit, head on, by a man who had over 20 alcohol-related violations on his record. He got a DUI, a month earlier. Then he hit me, DUI. Geico decided to insure him, so he was covered. Since I was an employee of Richfield City, and they didn’t offer medical insurance to someone in my position, and because Richfield City is evil and worships the devil, he was covered, but I was not. Good thing I had an extra $240k on my dresser, cause if not? I’d be screwed. I assume everyone has $200-300k on their dresser, so I think the status quo is just fine. The insurance companies deserve all the billions that they make because it takes a lot of stones to insure a man with over 20 alcohol violations on his record. And keeps getting them. You have to admire Geico. And what a cute lizard!
Brett Farve is undefeated (so far) in the NFL guiding the Minnesota Vikings. His story is such an inspiration that NBC is planning a made-for-TV special about him starring Kirk Douglas as the spunky but talented Brett Favre. I don’t know. Kirk Douglas is a great actor, but wearing the makeup to make himself look older? I’m skeptical. I mean, he dialed in Spartacus, but Brett Favre? We’ll see.
Rod Blagojevich is set to be one of the contestants on Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice.” Between The Donald and Blagojevich, it is set to be a cosmetology fantasy camp. Between Blagojevich’s Ocean Spray logo hair swoop and Trumps’ hairpiece-gone-evil coif, the ratings should be phenomenal. I’m just saying.
President Barrack Obama is still having “beer summits” to find out whether or not to send more or less people to Afghanistan. I’d send in, maybe five. I’d send in Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan and Lindsay Lohan. I mean, I know Lindsay probably wouldn’t make it, which I’m fine with, but the other guys? Damn. I’ve seen them defeat bigger countries than Afghanistan. And while they do it or after they do it? They always say something cool.
Janet Napolitano, the Director of Homeland Security for the Obama administration, offered a controversial remedy for the Swine Flu last week. It seems Medical Marijuana stops the Swine Flu in its tracks. Since the ambiguous marijuana laws differ from state to state, some areas of the U.S. are, like, way better off to stave off the new flu. For instance, California? Dude! No Swine Flu. Utah? They expect losses of more than 300,000 citizens. I wish I could pick which ones…
Anyway, there are way more stories that are happening, but Leave it to Lamas is almost on, so, well, you know. Have a great Halloween and I hope you have a great, unique costume. And if you’re a whore? I hope several people buy you drinks and marvel at your cheerleader/Playboy Bunny/stripper costume. You deserve it. The free drinks should more than make up for your Daddy Issues.
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