Cash For Clunkers

Government Extends ‘Clash For Clunkers’ Program to Include Girlfriends

AP – The widely successful “cash for clunkers” program being offered by the U.S. government has been widened to also cover unwanted and gas-guzzling girlfriends. The Senate reached a deal on saving the dwindling "cash for clunkers" program late Wednesday, agreeing to vote on a plan that would add $2 billion to the popular rebate program and give shoppers until Labor Day to trade in their gas-guzzlers, automotive or female companion, for a new ride.

The Senate has quickly realized that the opportunity to trade in unwanted or no longer relevant girlfriends is equally appreciated among Americans as well as the trading in of ineffective automobiles. The Car Allowance Rebate System offers owners of old cars and trucks $3,500 or $4,500 toward a new, more fuel-efficient vehicle, in exchange for scrapping their old vehicle. Also, consumers may receive $100 or $50 trade-in depending on the current shape of their trade-in girlfriend.

President Barack Obama recognizes the very real demand for a newer, most cost-efficient female companionship. By using the stimulus program, citizens can replace one’s current companion with a more relevant model, and in most cases, the new models tend to be better looking and thinner.

Car companies have credited the clunkers program with driving up sales in late July. Most consumers are buying smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles under the program, according to a list of the top-10 selling cars released Wednesday. Likewise, consumers are taking advantage of the girlfriend aspect of the program. Women who are a drain on society, women with high miles, or women with soaring maintenance costs have been traded in on more efficient, prettier models.

Congress has agreed in recent weeks that getting a few of these female burdens off the streets will positively affect the economy as well as the environment. More efficient females have been shown to eat less, require less money, and are generally less of a headache on long journeys or just around town.

The government said Wednesday that more than $775 million of the $1 billion fund had been spent, accounting for nearly 185,000 new vehicles sold, and 109,000 new girlfriends. President Obama has said the program would go broke by Friday if not replenished by Congress.
Congress feared that men in general would worry as to where their trade-in female companions would end up, but it seems most are satisfied when told that their trade-in girlfriends would end up on a farm, most likely in the Midwest, where they can run and play in the sun with other trade-in female companions.

Far more drivers signed up for the 'cash for clunkers' program than anyone thought, overwhelming showrooms, blowing through the initial $1 billion set aside by Congress and leaving dealers panicked over when or if the government would make good on the hefty rebates. Apparently, many citizens are excited about the idea of a new car or girlfriend.

Said one Utah resident, Jack Burrows, “Yeah, she’s been good through the years, I’ll say that, but they only last so long. This may to be the perfect time to invest in a newer, sleeker model.” At press time, it was unclear whether Burrows was talking about his car or his girlfriend.

Shoppers are encouraged to take advantage of “cash for clunkers” program sooner rather than later as the future of the popular program is unclear. What is clear, however, is that there are a lot of smiling consumers out there who just got that monkey off their back.

New Gun Laws?

If you love guns, the idea of guns or just having guns, PLEASE READ!

Congress is discussing HR 45 Blair Holt Firearm Licensing & Record of Sales Act of 2009.

It very important for you to be aware of a new bill HR 45 introduced into the House. This is the Blair Holt Firearm Licensing & Record of Sale Act of 2009. It was announced yesterday on the Peter Boyle (remember him? He played Frankenstein’s monster in Young Frankenstein) radio program. Gun enthusiasts and hunters didn't know about this because it is flying under the radar. Changes in Federal law concerning guns would be:

The gun has to be registered
In addition to the 5 day waiting period, there will be an addition 90 waiting period
You are to be fingerprinted
You must supply a current stool sample
You must supply a current Driver's License
You have to promise to not be affiliated with Al-Qaeda
You must supply your Social Security #
You must be female
You must promise not to shoot anyone in the face and claim that it was an “accident”
You must wear a GPS on your belt at all times
The belt may not have your name stamped on it (this one I agree with)

You will be tested on your physical, mental, and pop culture trivia abilities. They can test you at any time. The government can come in your home at any time just to drink your beer (even if it’s your last one) and look around. You must update your gun records more frequently than you update your Facebook status. A change of ownership of guns through private or public sale must be reported and will cost $24.63. Failure to do so automatically forfeits the right to own a firearm and you would be subject to a year in jail, a swirly, and an Indian burn.

There is a child provision clause on page 16 section 305 stating a child-access provision. Gun must be locked in a safe and inaccessible to any child under 18. The government must have access to the combination and may ask you to change the combination if it’s a hard one to remember. If the safe doesn’t go with the room or disrupts the flow of Feng Shui, you could be subject to a fine of $5,000,000,000 (no checks) and punishment of up to 5 years in prison.

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h45/text

It is long and lengthy, but how much frickin’ time do you spend on YouTube? It explains the bill and how much it will infringe on our rights as Americans.

Peter Boyle (I think he was also on “Everybody Loves Raymond”) is on top of this as well as that whole Nancy Pelosi thing. Listen to him on KHOW 630 AM in the morning if you don’t have any decent CDs. He suggests the best way to fight this is to tell all your friends about it and "spring into action". Like “Hands Across America.” Something like that.

It says in one of those documents that the Forefathers wrote when America first split from Time-Warner and England that we can totally have guns. We don’t want to lose our gun privileges! What’s next? A ban on compound bows?

PLEASE forward this to everyone you know!

May News, 2009

Let’s see, what’s going on in May?

Obama wants to close Guantanamo Bay. Oh, come on! Pontiac is closing their doors, as are a million dealerships, but Guantanamo is up to us! To be fair, it’s just not making the money that it used to and I think I know why: the unions. They get paid whether they’re torturing or not. If they’re Waterboarding or just on the golf course, they get paid the same. So long, Guantanamo. A lot of killer memories there.

Dick Cheney’s against closing Guantanamo, apparently. He’s in appearing in more films now than Michael Caine. But how can you not love the big lug? He’s like the neighbor who used to yell at you to get off his lawn but then you found out that deep down, he’s really a softy. Then he shot your other neighbor in the face with a shotgun.

A Somali pirate appeared in court to face charges of piracy, hostage-taking, and firearms. When the judge asks how he pleads, what will the judge do when he just says, “Haaar!” That can’t go over well. Especially when you reek of Captain Morgan. He may ask him to walk the plank (with 90 days suspended).

Did you know that President Obama might outlaw guns? I didn’t. A guy in Cedar Post Pawn said that he might. Suffice it to say, hand guns and ammo are excruciatingly hard to get right now. Know why? Obama might outlaw guns. While this may be a sore subject for many conservative-minded people, I have to say, people are making BANK over this rumor. Those people? Gun manufacturers and ammo manufacturers. From a financial standpoint, they’re making WAY more money than if we had a Republican in office. Smart thinking, NRA! I thought you guys were less-than-intelligent during the Charlton Heston years, but damn. You gotta give it up to those boys in orange! And what’s with the outfits, hunters? They make golfers look like Brad Pitt.

So Pontiac’s a done deal and Chrysler had to merge with Fiat. Awesome! When I was in high school, if you drove a Fiat? You got a beatin’ cause, obviously, you weren’t cool. Today? If you drive a Chrysler you NEED a beatin’ cause you’re not cool. Why did THOSE TWO merge? That’s like Clay Aiken and John Mayer starting a band. A boy band, probably. No, probably more of a “boy band.”

The economy is in shambles and China won’t let us borrow any more money (the Cedar Post is the same with me right now). So we just decided, “Hey, we got an HP, let’s just print as much money as we need!” Good idea! Why didn’t we think of that 50 years ago? Oh yeah, cause that devalues our dollar and in one year we’ll be blowing Mexico for pocket change. And according to CNN, they’re not very clean (hence the swine flu).

Sean Penn decided to withdraw his separation papers from his wife, Robin Wright-Penn. Duh! Have you seen the Princess Bride? Even if she asked me to “fetch her that pail of water”, I’d be “as you wish” all fucking night. Think about it the way I think about it: you’re Spicolli and she’s Princess Buttercup. Are you gonna do any better? Not bloody likely.

Well, that’s May. The month we get ready for June. Oh, and if you’re pissed that you got this? Don’t worry, according to the Mayan calendar, I am only going to be able to write e-mails until December 21, 2012. Which is nice.

I’m just saying...

Boredom

I’m bored. And not just tonight, I mean in general. Since I was laid-off, I’ve been trying to fill the time. I bought a diary, but hell, I’m, like, 10 days ahead in that thing. I hope everything turns out like I thought it would… Since I watch a lot of C-SPAN, I bought a set of Bose® Bullshit-canceling headphones. Those things are amazing! You can’t hear a thing, just like the ad says.

So I decided to be a stalker. I figured, Hey, I know a few haaat trixies, I might as well stalk them. Well, that whole “stalking” business is more elaborate than you'd think. You have to buy binoculars, wake up early, have plenty of gas, stay up late, etc. Stalking is way more trouble than it’s worth.

One girl, whom I ran into a few times, finally said, “Are you stalking me?”

Of course I was, that was my new thing. I offered, “Betcha wanna get a Restraining Order on me, huh?”

“No. Not really,” she said. “I have low self-esteem and I think I’d enjoy the attention.” Not exactly the response I was looking for. Yeah, I’m done with stalking.

So at night I watch a lot of the Discovery Channel. They always have UFO specials on. Apparently alien life is well accepted among most Americans. People believe in it. Or them. What I wonder is (mostly cause I was drinking) do they have alien life that is not as advanced as most alien life? Like, retarded aliens? I’d have to think that it would be inevitable. Of course you’d have to refer to them as “Special Terrestrials.” They’re probably the ones that do all of the anal probing and give all of the other aliens a bad name.

Yeah, I’ve got time on my hands.

I’d pork a trixie from the bar but that’s a guaranteed way to get Swine Flu according to Fox News. Fox news never lets me do it! It’s either the Mexican Swine Flu, SARS, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, West Nile virus, the Ebola virus, or just a cough. Fox News wants me abstain from what I’m best at (I won a blue ribbon at the fair last year). My sex life is so good, Warren Beatty calls me every now and again with “questions.” That doesn’t bother me as much as his questions always start with, “I’ve got this friend…”

So what do I do?

Albertsons is having a parking lot sale but I have no room for a parking lot. I could go window shopping because I need some windows. The paper had more than a few garage sales in there, but really, do THAT many people need garages? Christensen’s is having a “fire sale.” What am I? A caveman? I KNOW how to make fire! Thanks for the help, though. And the 24-hour sales? We’re selling time now, people? Ridiculous.

Carpe Diem. “Seize the day.” That’s nice. A good rule to live by. But do you notice they never tell you which day to seize? What if you seize the wrong day? You’d look like an ass in front of all your friends! I think you should seize a few days a week and if anyone asks, you just say, “It’s Thursday? Crap! I was suppose to seize this day! Oh, well, I’ll seize an extra day next week.”

At least they’ll think you know what you’re doing. I’m just saying…

Im unemployed :(

So I have a lot of time on my hands. As you may or may not know, I was laid-off from The Diamond Store for being too damn sexy. Yeah, they claim it was the economy, but come on. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know sexy was involved.

Anyway. Since I have all of this time, I have been coming up with good ideas. Great ones, really. It all started when I was at a Chinese Restaurant with friends when the check and fortune cookies came. One of the trixies said, “You have to read it aloud, but you have to end it with ‘in bed’.” All of the girls seemed to laugh at the PG-13 humor. Someone would say, “Do not be frustrated by your friends—in bed!” Or there was, “Someone you love has something in store for you—in bed!” It got big laughs. So the next time I was in the (same) restaurant, when the fortune cookies came, I suggested that they read their fortunes aloud and end it with “anally.” You know, “Do not be frustrated by your friends—anally!” Or, “Someone you love has something in store for you—anally!” It was a big hit. Most of the girls were kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first!

Another thing I feel pretty satisfied about is the fact that I petitioned Miriam-Webster to extend the meaning of “war veterans” to include divorcees. It only stands to reason, I argued. They agreed. And my friend Shriber, who married a lovely French woman? If, God forbid, he ever did get divorced, he could actually be considered a “veteran of a foreign war.” You’re welcome, people.

You know how kids, if you ask them something, they always say, “Guess!”? I’ve adopted that into my daily life. (Except in bars. If you ask a trixie her age in a bar, A: you should NEVER do that, ever, and B: even if you do guess, you’re never going to be right. And it’s going to turn ugly. And you are going to go home alone). BUT, the phrase is great in everyday life. For instance, “The reason I pulled you over is because you were weaving a little bit. Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Guess!”

Or maybe in the ER when the doctor frantically asks you if you are allergic to any medications.

“Guess!”

Another good one, when the judge asks you how you plead to the charges.

“Guess!” Everyone, including the judge, usually just ends up giving you a noogie and laughs heartily.

So, also because I have a little bit of time, I went to open mic night at the Ha Ha Hole on Pico. Before I went on, the guy asked me if I did “blue humor.” I thought, sad, depressing, “I’m so blue” humor? No, my stuff is not depressing. I am, but my material’s not. So I went on. I started with my Chinese fortune cookie, anal bit…

Apparently “blue humor” has nothing to do with being sad. Yeah, I was kicked out and asked not to come back. I didn’t even get to the Chinaman who ate at an American restaurant and a half hour later was still full. Their loss, I say.

Yeah, I have a lot of time on my hands, I’m just saying. Guess I’ll finish that book I started, “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.” And if you already know how it ends, don’t tell me! I’m only halfway through with it. Up next? Judy Blume’s, “Why doesn’t Jenny Like Boys?” The cover art alone reeled me in.

Anyway. Let me know if you hear of anyone looking for an ideas man.

The State of America

The United States isn’t doing well. In any respect, really. Not economically, not in the automotive field, housing, employment, self-confidence… you name it. Admittedly, I am no expert in… any field really, but I think I know why we all are facing so much adversity right now. Greed. Prestige. Impressing the neighbors. Driving cars we can’t afford, drinking scotch we can’t afford, buying houses we can’t afford… In short, it all comes down to one thing:

$.

Would Bernie Madoff have been able to sucker so many people out of so much money if there weren’t people who were so eager to make some easy money? Something for nothing has always been hard for Americans to say “no” to.

They say insurance companies are a cancer on our economy. AIG has made quite a name for themselves as well as many others. I don’t know much about the insurance game but it’s very telling when I go to pay a doctor bill and it’s $350 and I pull out my wallet and they say, “Oh, you’re paying cash? Oh, then it’s only $9.50.”

I died twice in 2006. I was hit by a drunk/stoned driver who had over 20 alcohol-related citations on his record, and just had another DUI almost exactly one month prior to hitting me. All the kings’ horses and all the king’s men put me back together again with titanium, screws and bolts (FYI if all the kings’ horses and all the king’s men do have to put you back together again, it’ll run you about $240k). He was insured with Geico, which made me wonder: who at Geico thought, “Hmmm, 20-something alcohol violations… seems like a good risk to me! Cash his check!”

I don’t care how cute the caveman or the gecko is, sometimes you have to just say no to money. But that’s kinda hard…

Former President George W. Bush said we had to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein was a bad man. So we did. And we got him! I totally saw him hanged on CNN. Mission accomplished, I guess. But since the Iraq war, about 4,000 troops have died and around 24,000 wounded. Their mental anguish must be immeasurable. The long-term financial costs of the war could reach as much as $4 Trillion. Saddam must have been badder than I first thought because that’s a lot of effort just to get rid of a bad guy. I haven’t seen a battle plan like that since I played a game of Risk! against Jessica Simpson. It’s almost like there was another reason for invading Iraq. Shell and Exxon-Mobile made more money than they ever have, ever, in the history of ever, but I’m sure that was just a coinkydinct.

There’s this guy that no one likes at the golf course. He rubs everyone the wrong way and he’s not well-liked. He’s a bad guy, I guess you could say. However, I’m not going to spend $4 Trillion or have anyone die or wounded to get rid of him. Most likely, I probably just won’t wave when I pass him. That’s $4 Trillion I can keep in my pocket and spend on whatever.

Businessweek claims that 1,000,000 people lost their house in 2008 alone. You might see this as morbid news, but consider this: some of those houses were ugly and done in a Southwestern motif. Families losing their house? Some are very heart breaking stories. Some, however, you have to ask, “How did they buy a million dollar house making a combined $43k a year?” Yeah, maybe the bank was a bit negligent in just requiring a signature, but deep down the people knew what the f@ck was going on.

There’s nothing wrong with being rich. When you get rich, you can buy a really nice car. Probably something German. When you’re rich, you buy a German car to show everyone just how damn rich you are. When you’re poor, you get a Japanese car to save on gas. Is there really a need to save the American car industry? If there is, I think we should have a retro-active automotive bailout. Bring back the Edsell, DeSoto, Nash, Packard, and the Studebaker. Studebakers were badass, I’m just saying…

In this type of situation it’s natural to want to find someone or something to place blame and hold accountable for this sordid state of affairs. AIG, George Bush, Bernie Madoff, executives with lavish bonuses… someone has to jump on the grenade don’t they? Otherwise it’d be every single American who was right in the middle of an American Dream when it turned in to a nightmare.

I was laid off from my job two days before my birthday. It’s the economy, I was told. Phew! As long as it wasn’t my fault. Good thing I don’t have to work tomorrow. I plan on staying up, drinking expensive scotch, finding blame in the economy, making my vacation plans, and checking my PowerBall numbers online.

Should be a good night.

Phrases Again

I was in the pawnshop the other day (don’t judge me, I just got laid off). A gentleman was in there looking to buy a compound bow, yet admitted that he “couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.” Not wanting to show my ignorance, I did not ask, but I wondered: The broadside of a barn? How do you know what side of a barn is preferable to broads? I mean, I didn’t even know that barns had kitchens let alone, I guess, the obvious fact that broads have a favorable side of said barn.

Man, some phrases are just commonplace to everyone else, but to me? They’re an enigma wrapped up in a riddle. Maybe it’s the cold medication, but some of these phrases just don’t make sense.

Like, I’m going to tackle this “head on.” Myself, I’ve been in a head on. I don’t remember it, but I was there from what the newspaper said. It didn’t help, really. So I just have to think: why would ANYONE want to tackle something “head on?” For one, you don’t remember anything, and b: you can’t tackle anything or even walk afterward, because your brain no longer functions on the same level. You’re better off brainstorming.

“Brainstorming?” Really? This is a good thing? There are storm warnings, storm chasers and something can be taken by storm, but supposedly “brainstorming” is where good ideas come from. A good idea like tackling a problem “head on,” I guess.

“Everything but the kitchen sink.” This is my dad in a nutshell, but I’ve heard it a lot. “In his recipes, he puts in everything but the kitchen sink.” Okay. But what’s so elusive about the kitchen sink? Why is the kitchen sink the only thing that is spared in this metaphor? That’s why when people ask me what’s in my recipes, I say, “Ah, a dash of salt, some Oregano, and a pinch of kitchen sink.” They look at me really strange, then excuse themselves. I don’t blame them…

“Appetite of a bird.” Okay, maybe she is petite, but for crying out loud, SHE EATS WORMS! An appetite of a bird? Gross. Glad she has a smokin’ body, but you can have her. Especially because she gets up so damn early!

My mom says this one: “It breaks my heart to see that.” A heart can break into pieces from what I gather from 1970’s FM stations. I mean, I’ve felt bad over a girl, maybe sprained or pulled a heart, but I don’t think I’ve ever had mine broken. If you do? Just put some ice on it and stop being such a baby.

“Butting heads.” Admittedly, I know what this means. It’s a metaphor for how male big horn sheep establish dominance. I just think that human males should adopt this ritual. Five guys surrounding the one hot chick at the bar? They gotta butt heads. Winner gets the trixie! Trust me, if males had to physically butt heads, your current boss would no longer be your boss. We could learn a thing or two from the animal kingdom, I’m just saying…

The animal kingdom. “Screwed the pooch.” I do not want, nor do I care where this phrase came from. It’s just weird. But you have to think of the first guy who said it. “Man, she really screwed the pooch on that one.” Did his friends just let it go or did they just hammer the guy? “Look, she made a mistake, but don’t compare her bad choices to bestiality with a dog! Damn.”

I don’t know. I was hoping the cold medicine mixed with Amstel Light would make me tired, but obviously, my head is just spinning. Man, I hate being under the weather! Hey, wait, “Under the weather? Where did that phrase come from…?