May News, 2009

Let’s see, what’s going on in May?

Obama wants to close Guantanamo Bay. Oh, come on! Pontiac is closing their doors, as are a million dealerships, but Guantanamo is up to us! To be fair, it’s just not making the money that it used to and I think I know why: the unions. They get paid whether they’re torturing or not. If they’re Waterboarding or just on the golf course, they get paid the same. So long, Guantanamo. A lot of killer memories there.

Dick Cheney’s against closing Guantanamo, apparently. He’s in appearing in more films now than Michael Caine. But how can you not love the big lug? He’s like the neighbor who used to yell at you to get off his lawn but then you found out that deep down, he’s really a softy. Then he shot your other neighbor in the face with a shotgun.

A Somali pirate appeared in court to face charges of piracy, hostage-taking, and firearms. When the judge asks how he pleads, what will the judge do when he just says, “Haaar!” That can’t go over well. Especially when you reek of Captain Morgan. He may ask him to walk the plank (with 90 days suspended).

Did you know that President Obama might outlaw guns? I didn’t. A guy in Cedar Post Pawn said that he might. Suffice it to say, hand guns and ammo are excruciatingly hard to get right now. Know why? Obama might outlaw guns. While this may be a sore subject for many conservative-minded people, I have to say, people are making BANK over this rumor. Those people? Gun manufacturers and ammo manufacturers. From a financial standpoint, they’re making WAY more money than if we had a Republican in office. Smart thinking, NRA! I thought you guys were less-than-intelligent during the Charlton Heston years, but damn. You gotta give it up to those boys in orange! And what’s with the outfits, hunters? They make golfers look like Brad Pitt.

So Pontiac’s a done deal and Chrysler had to merge with Fiat. Awesome! When I was in high school, if you drove a Fiat? You got a beatin’ cause, obviously, you weren’t cool. Today? If you drive a Chrysler you NEED a beatin’ cause you’re not cool. Why did THOSE TWO merge? That’s like Clay Aiken and John Mayer starting a band. A boy band, probably. No, probably more of a “boy band.”

The economy is in shambles and China won’t let us borrow any more money (the Cedar Post is the same with me right now). So we just decided, “Hey, we got an HP, let’s just print as much money as we need!” Good idea! Why didn’t we think of that 50 years ago? Oh yeah, cause that devalues our dollar and in one year we’ll be blowing Mexico for pocket change. And according to CNN, they’re not very clean (hence the swine flu).

Sean Penn decided to withdraw his separation papers from his wife, Robin Wright-Penn. Duh! Have you seen the Princess Bride? Even if she asked me to “fetch her that pail of water”, I’d be “as you wish” all fucking night. Think about it the way I think about it: you’re Spicolli and she’s Princess Buttercup. Are you gonna do any better? Not bloody likely.

Well, that’s May. The month we get ready for June. Oh, and if you’re pissed that you got this? Don’t worry, according to the Mayan calendar, I am only going to be able to write e-mails until December 21, 2012. Which is nice.

I’m just saying...