Boredom

I’m bored. And not just tonight, I mean in general. Since I was laid-off, I’ve been trying to fill the time. I bought a diary, but hell, I’m, like, 10 days ahead in that thing. I hope everything turns out like I thought it would… Since I watch a lot of C-SPAN, I bought a set of Bose® Bullshit-canceling headphones. Those things are amazing! You can’t hear a thing, just like the ad says.

So I decided to be a stalker. I figured, Hey, I know a few haaat trixies, I might as well stalk them. Well, that whole “stalking” business is more elaborate than you'd think. You have to buy binoculars, wake up early, have plenty of gas, stay up late, etc. Stalking is way more trouble than it’s worth.

One girl, whom I ran into a few times, finally said, “Are you stalking me?”

Of course I was, that was my new thing. I offered, “Betcha wanna get a Restraining Order on me, huh?”

“No. Not really,” she said. “I have low self-esteem and I think I’d enjoy the attention.” Not exactly the response I was looking for. Yeah, I’m done with stalking.

So at night I watch a lot of the Discovery Channel. They always have UFO specials on. Apparently alien life is well accepted among most Americans. People believe in it. Or them. What I wonder is (mostly cause I was drinking) do they have alien life that is not as advanced as most alien life? Like, retarded aliens? I’d have to think that it would be inevitable. Of course you’d have to refer to them as “Special Terrestrials.” They’re probably the ones that do all of the anal probing and give all of the other aliens a bad name.

Yeah, I’ve got time on my hands.

I’d pork a trixie from the bar but that’s a guaranteed way to get Swine Flu according to Fox News. Fox news never lets me do it! It’s either the Mexican Swine Flu, SARS, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, West Nile virus, the Ebola virus, or just a cough. Fox News wants me abstain from what I’m best at (I won a blue ribbon at the fair last year). My sex life is so good, Warren Beatty calls me every now and again with “questions.” That doesn’t bother me as much as his questions always start with, “I’ve got this friend…”

So what do I do?

Albertsons is having a parking lot sale but I have no room for a parking lot. I could go window shopping because I need some windows. The paper had more than a few garage sales in there, but really, do THAT many people need garages? Christensen’s is having a “fire sale.” What am I? A caveman? I KNOW how to make fire! Thanks for the help, though. And the 24-hour sales? We’re selling time now, people? Ridiculous.

Carpe Diem. “Seize the day.” That’s nice. A good rule to live by. But do you notice they never tell you which day to seize? What if you seize the wrong day? You’d look like an ass in front of all your friends! I think you should seize a few days a week and if anyone asks, you just say, “It’s Thursday? Crap! I was suppose to seize this day! Oh, well, I’ll seize an extra day next week.”

At least they’ll think you know what you’re doing. I’m just saying…