I'm Having a Hard Time Sleeping, Revisited

So I've been having trouble sleeping lately. For the last few months I just can't make it happen. My mom says it's because I over-analyze things. I think too much. I don't know. Maybe. But I DID get to sleep last night, but I had the WEIRDEST dream. Quite unusual, even for me. So I'm driving my car, right?

I don't know where I was headed but I'm driving along, listening to AC-DC. "She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman..." And I thought, wait. She WAS a fast machine, she KEPT her motor clean... so what about NOW? She's... slowing down a little bit and could really clean her motor a little more often? Yeah, that might fly in the 80s, but nowadays? I'll find someone else to shake me all night long. I'm just saying...

So anyway, I keep dreaming. Britney Spears pulls up next to me at a stop light. I feel bad for her. She has two beautiful boys, but I think she needs to have one more. I mean, I don't think she needs to GET pregnant, I think she still is. I saw a recent photo of her that the paparazzi took. From what I understand, it was taken outside a posh downtown hot LA night spot. She wasn't wearing any underwear and when she got out of the car, you could see her nether regions. I swear, she was dilated to at least a seven! I think there's one more kid in there and she needs to have it! And soon! She's in her 8th trimester! Her water broke in 2006. The kid's probably about two years old by now! Poor little guy. This whole time she thought she was binging. No, she's been eating for two! Kinda explains why she looked like that at the WMAs. I'm just saying...

So then I'm at Jessica Alba's house. I don't even remember driving there. All the sudden I'm there. Anyway, she's all over me and laughing at all my material. She'd tilt her head and say, "ohhhh, Don." I thought I was a shoe in. (That's not a "shoe horn" joke. I'm sure she's very pleasant.) So she gets up to go to the bathroom and Dave Madden (I guess he was there, too) comes up to me and tells me not to seal the deal. Why? I obviously ask. He tells me that she got herpes from Derek Jeter. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa....whoa! No way! Dave swears it's true. But from Derek Jeter? I know he wears many hats as a New York Yankee; batter, fielder, spokesman, team captain, icon... but giving Jessica Alba bugs? I hardly think that's in the job description! But Dave Madden's a smart guy. I mean, he knows when to use the word "further" instead of "farther" and vice versa. But in my heart, I knew there was some credence to Dave's claims and let's just say, there was a bad moon risin.'

Do Jessica Alba? Get bugs. Don't actually do Jessica Alba, go home, have a session and THINK about Jessica Alba? No bugs. Hmmmm. Why did it have to be Derek Jeter?? I mean, hell, his agent should see if Derek could get $50 more dollars a year on his contract and get a years' supply of condoms. A-Rod is gonna get 67 billion next year, I'm sure that Derek Jeter could get another 50 bucks. He gives a whole new meaning to the term "around the horn." You know, when I was a kid, if someone got herpes, they'd say, "Oh, really? Hmmm, must have gotten it from a toilet seat." Now? If someone gets herpes? "Oh, really? Hmmm, must have gotten it trying to break up a double play." Good thing this was only a dream. I would be SO SAD if it were true.

Anyway, then, I'm at the mall and there's Christmas crap everywhere. My mom's there and she tells me that Christmas comes earlier each year. So I check the calendar. Christmas is on Dec. 25th. Every year. My mom is wrong about THIS, just like she was about global warming. So I'm next to a christmas tree. And I think, Why does every tree known to man lose its leaves but a pine tree keeps all of its needles? It's a Christmas miracle, I guess.

Anyway, a girl shows up, smiles, and tells me that she knows what I want for Christmas. She's always known. Her smile turns into a simple grin. Then I wake up. Not figuratively, literally. What a weird dream. I think I'd better start laying off the scotch before bed. My dreams are getting more bizarre by the night, it seems. Perhaps, I DO drink too, much, just like my mom says.

Nah. She was wrong about global warming, she's probably wrong about my drinking. I'm just saying...