I've Almost Had it With Norman and Betty

I'm kind of mad at Norman and Betty. At first I thought they were okay, but now? They're starting to really bother me.

Let me explain. At first it was fine. Norman and Betty would drop by, mostly unannounced, and drink my wine and eat my food. I like to cook; I don't care about that. What really bothers me is that Norman and Betty almost always drink my wine but never bring any. And it's not like I offer them wine, either. It's more like, "hey what are we drinking, Merlot? No Pinot? You need to buy some Pinot, trust me…"

Do they BRING any Pinot? Fuck no.

I'm halfway convinced that Norman is an alcoholic and Betty is a sex addict. Norman is never "good." He'll always have another glass. And another glass. Then another. He's not done until the bottle is gone. And I don't know how many wine glasses he's broken of mine. There's nothing worse than an uncoordinated alcoholic. I know most people get uncoordinated when drinking, but man, this guy brings new meaning to the word "stumbling drunk."

And Betty. Everything revolves around sex. After two glasses of Merlot (not Pinot, sorry) she can relate anything to intercourse.

"Did you hear about that new study on fellatio?" "You know what causes that, don't you? A lack of sex." "You know, a lot of people aren't into it, but I kind of like to…"

Sometimes I think she's hinting that I should have a threesome with her and Norman, but come on! Why would I? He can't even make it to the bathroom without breaking anything let alone get something accomplished in the bedroom.

I guess I could be to blame for this situation. I should say something to them. I did say something the other night like "wow, if Pinot is so fucking good, why don't you bring me a bottle instead of coming over here and drinking all of my wine and breaking all my shit?" They just laughed and told me how my humor was so stimulating and cutting edge and how refreshing it was to have a dialogue with a modern day Lenny Bruce.

What also pisses me off about Norman and Betty is that as soon as they get a buzz, everything becomes intellectual. "You know, Bush's stance on terrorism is nothing more than modern day McCarthyism just distracting us from his secret policies set in place to make his friends wealthy." Okay, maybe so. "You know, these so called 'news outlets' and 'media' are nothing more than the puppets of George Bush and his friends that belong to a secret society that goes back hundreds of years." Whatever.

What you have to know about Betty is that she claims to work in "education." She does work at a college. She's a janitor. And Norman doesn't work. Doesn't even want to. He spends most of his time thinking of people he can sue because they were "negligent" and how he was injured. I've seen Norman try and walk 15 steps to the bathroom and break three different things. I think any injury he sustains is not due to the negligence of some business. He was probably blind drunk on MY WINE.

Anyway, I've had it. I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore. I'm about finished with Norman and Betty. No more meals, no more wine, no more intellectual conversation.

Rosebud.