Phrases Again

I was in the pawnshop the other day (don’t judge me, I just got laid off). A gentleman was in there looking to buy a compound bow, yet admitted that he “couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.” Not wanting to show my ignorance, I did not ask, but I wondered: The broadside of a barn? How do you know what side of a barn is preferable to broads? I mean, I didn’t even know that barns had kitchens let alone, I guess, the obvious fact that broads have a favorable side of said barn.

Man, some phrases are just commonplace to everyone else, but to me? They’re an enigma wrapped up in a riddle. Maybe it’s the cold medication, but some of these phrases just don’t make sense.

Like, I’m going to tackle this “head on.” Myself, I’ve been in a head on. I don’t remember it, but I was there from what the newspaper said. It didn’t help, really. So I just have to think: why would ANYONE want to tackle something “head on?” For one, you don’t remember anything, and b: you can’t tackle anything or even walk afterward, because your brain no longer functions on the same level. You’re better off brainstorming.

“Brainstorming?” Really? This is a good thing? There are storm warnings, storm chasers and something can be taken by storm, but supposedly “brainstorming” is where good ideas come from. A good idea like tackling a problem “head on,” I guess.

“Everything but the kitchen sink.” This is my dad in a nutshell, but I’ve heard it a lot. “In his recipes, he puts in everything but the kitchen sink.” Okay. But what’s so elusive about the kitchen sink? Why is the kitchen sink the only thing that is spared in this metaphor? That’s why when people ask me what’s in my recipes, I say, “Ah, a dash of salt, some Oregano, and a pinch of kitchen sink.” They look at me really strange, then excuse themselves. I don’t blame them…

“Appetite of a bird.” Okay, maybe she is petite, but for crying out loud, SHE EATS WORMS! An appetite of a bird? Gross. Glad she has a smokin’ body, but you can have her. Especially because she gets up so damn early!

My mom says this one: “It breaks my heart to see that.” A heart can break into pieces from what I gather from 1970’s FM stations. I mean, I’ve felt bad over a girl, maybe sprained or pulled a heart, but I don’t think I’ve ever had mine broken. If you do? Just put some ice on it and stop being such a baby.

“Butting heads.” Admittedly, I know what this means. It’s a metaphor for how male big horn sheep establish dominance. I just think that human males should adopt this ritual. Five guys surrounding the one hot chick at the bar? They gotta butt heads. Winner gets the trixie! Trust me, if males had to physically butt heads, your current boss would no longer be your boss. We could learn a thing or two from the animal kingdom, I’m just saying…

The animal kingdom. “Screwed the pooch.” I do not want, nor do I care where this phrase came from. It’s just weird. But you have to think of the first guy who said it. “Man, she really screwed the pooch on that one.” Did his friends just let it go or did they just hammer the guy? “Look, she made a mistake, but don’t compare her bad choices to bestiality with a dog! Damn.”

I don’t know. I was hoping the cold medicine mixed with Amstel Light would make me tired, but obviously, my head is just spinning. Man, I hate being under the weather! Hey, wait, “Under the weather? Where did that phrase come from…?