March 2008 News

I’ve been kind of bored back in Utah. I mean, yeah, the Easter Bunny came today but man, there’s not a lot to do here. So I’ve been watching CNN. A lot of CNN. Man, talk about good news for people who like bad news! And the stories are reported, but they never give you any... personal insight. That’s where I come in.

Like, everyone is coming down hard on Elliot Spitzer because of his sex scandal. Poor guy. What everyone doesn’t realize, though, is that they didn’t just “do it;” they made love. People always focus on the negative. The situation reminded me of my first time. Not the first time I had sex, no, that’s a good memory. No, I’m talking about the first time I bounced a check to a hooker. Man, my face was red! And the $30 for sex turned into $60, because the hooker charged me a $15 return check fee and then so did my bank. We’re talking some very costly love making. Not to mention the embarrassment! I had egg on my face.

And the Dali Lama said he’ll step down if China keeps up with the tomfoolery and/or shenanigans. If this happens, then I guess the Lieutenant Dali Lama is tapped for the position. If he is busy then I think it goes to Alexander Haig. And who fights with Tibet, anyway? That’s like shooting the Pope. Personally, I think they need a Tibet-themed casino in Vegas. That’d rock. I’d stay there. The Dali Lama greets you and blesses you when you enter and hands you some Pop Tarts in case you don’t like the food. Most of the games are won not with money or skill, but with “good karma.” They don’t have pit bosses, they have Sherpa’s. But they’d have to change the spelling to “T’ Bet.” Man, I’m an ideas man! I should get paid for my good ideas.

The Department of Justice admitted they had a breach of security when employees looked up confidential information regarding Obama’s passport (obviously so someone could send me yet another conspiracy e-mail about how Obama’s secretly a Muslim and he’s going to pull a Jim Jones and offer Kool-Aid to the U.S.). Again, people always focus on the negative. To tell you truth, I wouldn’t mind cyanide in the Kool-Aid if he can just get a stranglehold on the price of gas. I don’t know. Between the Department of Justice and the orderlies who looked up Britney’s last pap smear, I’m starting to think that people can’t be trusted. Especially that Joe Francis character.

Mike Huckabee is now winning the Republican race, it looks like. At first I thought he was stupid for staying in so long, but it looks like it has paid off! At least that’s what my newspaper said. I just hope the neighbor kids aren’t screwing around with my paper again. Like in January when they changed the 5-day forecast to 28-32-26-29-85 and I wore shorts and flip flops on Friday. Man, I must’ve looked like an idiot! Damn kids!

Anthony Minghella, the director of “The English Patient,” has died. If life imitated art, his funeral would last 17 hours and after it’s done everyone looks at each other and goes “…what??”
Jamie Lee Curtis has posed topless for AARP magazine. When she was in “Trading Places?” I’d have scrambled to buy the issue. Now? Not so much. It’s like watching 9 ½ weeks, but starring Bea Arthur.

Paul McCartney has to pay Heather Mills $40+ million. I guess they were married for 5 minutes, so she deserves some coin. She got used to a certain way of life. To pay for this he’s putting out a new single, “Yesterday (2008).” It’s kind of the same song but now he’s changed some of the wording. For instance the part where he sings, “why, she, had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say” is now “the stupid, sadistic, lying, one-legged whore … now I long for yesterday.”

Man, the news on CNN is almost depressing. I think I’ll flip it over to E! News and get the real truth.

I’m just saying…