Im unemployed :(

So I have a lot of time on my hands. As you may or may not know, I was laid-off from The Diamond Store for being too damn sexy. Yeah, they claim it was the economy, but come on. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know sexy was involved.

Anyway. Since I have all of this time, I have been coming up with good ideas. Great ones, really. It all started when I was at a Chinese Restaurant with friends when the check and fortune cookies came. One of the trixies said, “You have to read it aloud, but you have to end it with ‘in bed’.” All of the girls seemed to laugh at the PG-13 humor. Someone would say, “Do not be frustrated by your friends—in bed!” Or there was, “Someone you love has something in store for you—in bed!” It got big laughs. So the next time I was in the (same) restaurant, when the fortune cookies came, I suggested that they read their fortunes aloud and end it with “anally.” You know, “Do not be frustrated by your friends—anally!” Or, “Someone you love has something in store for you—anally!” It was a big hit. Most of the girls were kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first!

Another thing I feel pretty satisfied about is the fact that I petitioned Miriam-Webster to extend the meaning of “war veterans” to include divorcees. It only stands to reason, I argued. They agreed. And my friend Shriber, who married a lovely French woman? If, God forbid, he ever did get divorced, he could actually be considered a “veteran of a foreign war.” You’re welcome, people.

You know how kids, if you ask them something, they always say, “Guess!”? I’ve adopted that into my daily life. (Except in bars. If you ask a trixie her age in a bar, A: you should NEVER do that, ever, and B: even if you do guess, you’re never going to be right. And it’s going to turn ugly. And you are going to go home alone). BUT, the phrase is great in everyday life. For instance, “The reason I pulled you over is because you were weaving a little bit. Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Guess!”

Or maybe in the ER when the doctor frantically asks you if you are allergic to any medications.

“Guess!”

Another good one, when the judge asks you how you plead to the charges.

“Guess!” Everyone, including the judge, usually just ends up giving you a noogie and laughs heartily.

So, also because I have a little bit of time, I went to open mic night at the Ha Ha Hole on Pico. Before I went on, the guy asked me if I did “blue humor.” I thought, sad, depressing, “I’m so blue” humor? No, my stuff is not depressing. I am, but my material’s not. So I went on. I started with my Chinese fortune cookie, anal bit…

Apparently “blue humor” has nothing to do with being sad. Yeah, I was kicked out and asked not to come back. I didn’t even get to the Chinaman who ate at an American restaurant and a half hour later was still full. Their loss, I say.

Yeah, I have a lot of time on my hands, I’m just saying. Guess I’ll finish that book I started, “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.” And if you already know how it ends, don’t tell me! I’m only halfway through with it. Up next? Judy Blume’s, “Why doesn’t Jenny Like Boys?” The cover art alone reeled me in.

Anyway. Let me know if you hear of anyone looking for an ideas man.