Bright News About the Economy

You can’t talk with anyone for 2 minutes without the subject turning to the economy. “Oh, it’s getting bad!” they say. Or perhaps, “Things are going to get far worse before they get better.” At least we’re going to finish a strong 2nd in Iraq.

Okay, admittedly, the economy is shit. Banks, the US dollar, morale, the auto industry and employment are less than stellar. I get it. I understand. But why do you people have to be “glass ½ empty” kind of people? I know I’m not. I see the glass as ½ full. Let me let you in on a little secret:

Hookers.

Yes, hookers are feeling the pinch as bad or worse than anyone! And I owe my knowledge of this to Dave Madden. (Yes, we patched things up and we’re talking again. For those of you who don’t know, he bilked me out of $7 in a Ponzi scheme as well as several other “friends.” Like I had $7 to lose!) Ever since Dave worked his way out of the mailroom at Expedia and they gave him an expense card, he has been tripping the light fantastic with ladies of the evening in every city. Since he travels a great deal for Expedia, he hits a lot of cities/countries. However, even though he now has monetary carte blanche, he’s still Dave Madden.

There are hookers in Thailand who’ll claim, “That one boy? He into crazy shit! He scare me.” You can take Dave out of the city, but you can’t take the twisted out of Dave. Or… something like that.

Anyway. I took Dave’s advice and started hitting the pavement. Which isn’t hard. We have, like, 6 stoplights in town so you can effectively cover a great deal of prostitutional real estate. Turns out, Dave was right! Hookers are having huge blowout savings! And the less attractive, homely hookers? They’re practically giving it away! Never, in American history has there been a better time for bachelor parties. I mean, what’s your fiancé going to do? Get mad?

“I can’t believe you did this to me! I trusted you! I can never be with you, ever! Ever! I’m not going to marry you. No, I’m going to move back in with my parents and support my... support my— …um… I forgive you!!” This economy helps with those hard-to-make decisions. Hookers used to only see me on the 1st and 15th, but now? Damn.

The best? Find a hooker who can’t keep her doors open anymore and she’s having a “going-out-of-business” sale. I love their “everything must go” attitude. The close-outs are amazing! I just bring my stimulus package over and keep them afloat for a few more days. Girls who need a bailout? Not my favorite, but they look so sad! (Although, it does burn me up when they use a lot of my hard earned money and give bonuses to pimps that don’t EVEN deserve them! They already drive a Cadillac, why do they need more money?)

I don’t know. I know things are bad for some people, but for me? They’re pretty great. AND, with Obama in the Whitehouse, we’ll have Health Care for everyone. You know, just in case I get one of those pesky STDs. Yeah the economy is pretty bad. If you choose to look at it that way. I don’t.

I just know that I owe Dave Madden. Big time. I’m just saying…