Cash For Clunkers

Government Extends ‘Clash For Clunkers’ Program to Include Girlfriends

AP – The widely successful “cash for clunkers” program being offered by the U.S. government has been widened to also cover unwanted and gas-guzzling girlfriends. The Senate reached a deal on saving the dwindling "cash for clunkers" program late Wednesday, agreeing to vote on a plan that would add $2 billion to the popular rebate program and give shoppers until Labor Day to trade in their gas-guzzlers, automotive or female companion, for a new ride.

The Senate has quickly realized that the opportunity to trade in unwanted or no longer relevant girlfriends is equally appreciated among Americans as well as the trading in of ineffective automobiles. The Car Allowance Rebate System offers owners of old cars and trucks $3,500 or $4,500 toward a new, more fuel-efficient vehicle, in exchange for scrapping their old vehicle. Also, consumers may receive $100 or $50 trade-in depending on the current shape of their trade-in girlfriend.

President Barack Obama recognizes the very real demand for a newer, most cost-efficient female companionship. By using the stimulus program, citizens can replace one’s current companion with a more relevant model, and in most cases, the new models tend to be better looking and thinner.

Car companies have credited the clunkers program with driving up sales in late July. Most consumers are buying smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles under the program, according to a list of the top-10 selling cars released Wednesday. Likewise, consumers are taking advantage of the girlfriend aspect of the program. Women who are a drain on society, women with high miles, or women with soaring maintenance costs have been traded in on more efficient, prettier models.

Congress has agreed in recent weeks that getting a few of these female burdens off the streets will positively affect the economy as well as the environment. More efficient females have been shown to eat less, require less money, and are generally less of a headache on long journeys or just around town.

The government said Wednesday that more than $775 million of the $1 billion fund had been spent, accounting for nearly 185,000 new vehicles sold, and 109,000 new girlfriends. President Obama has said the program would go broke by Friday if not replenished by Congress.
Congress feared that men in general would worry as to where their trade-in female companions would end up, but it seems most are satisfied when told that their trade-in girlfriends would end up on a farm, most likely in the Midwest, where they can run and play in the sun with other trade-in female companions.

Far more drivers signed up for the 'cash for clunkers' program than anyone thought, overwhelming showrooms, blowing through the initial $1 billion set aside by Congress and leaving dealers panicked over when or if the government would make good on the hefty rebates. Apparently, many citizens are excited about the idea of a new car or girlfriend.

Said one Utah resident, Jack Burrows, “Yeah, she’s been good through the years, I’ll say that, but they only last so long. This may to be the perfect time to invest in a newer, sleeker model.” At press time, it was unclear whether Burrows was talking about his car or his girlfriend.

Shoppers are encouraged to take advantage of “cash for clunkers” program sooner rather than later as the future of the popular program is unclear. What is clear, however, is that there are a lot of smiling consumers out there who just got that monkey off their back.