October News

Man.

October has turned out to be quite eventful. And not just because of the turning leaves, which supposedly, are pretty. No, there are things happening now that make Nostradamas say, “WTF?” And some of it, I am appalled by. Really.

Since when did building and releasing a pretty balloon become illegal? Richard Heene would like to know! He’s a scientist. That’s what scientists do! Ben Franklin flew a kite and discovered electricity. Just imagine if they would have advanced charges against Mr. Franklin. A lot of scientists use balloons. They’re popular. They are good for safe-sex and discovering things. Nigel Framingham, who discovered static electricity? He did it with his hair… and a balloon! Richard Heene merely used a balloon to find out how to expedite media saturation using Falcon, the FAA, the FBI and CNN. It was just a scientific experiment, but no one realizes that.

Halloween will be celebrated on Oct. 31st by boys and girls 6-12 or by major sluts who have been looking for and excuse to walk around nearly naked and go to a bar where they hope to be oogled and bought drinks due to an extreme lack of self esteem/confidence brought on by that one boy who wouldn’t give her the time of day in Middle School. Poor whores.

Obama’s Health Care plan is under major scrutiny. I don’t totally understand the plan advanced by the Democratic Party. I guess it has to do with the uninsured, insurance companies and employer’s requirement to insure all employees. Man, there is a lot of chatter on this topic. Like most Americans, I relate the topic to ME. I was hit, head on, by a man who had over 20 alcohol-related violations on his record. He got a DUI, a month earlier. Then he hit me, DUI. Geico decided to insure him, so he was covered. Since I was an employee of Richfield City, and they didn’t offer medical insurance to someone in my position, and because Richfield City is evil and worships the devil, he was covered, but I was not. Good thing I had an extra $240k on my dresser, cause if not? I’d be screwed. I assume everyone has $200-300k on their dresser, so I think the status quo is just fine. The insurance companies deserve all the billions that they make because it takes a lot of stones to insure a man with over 20 alcohol violations on his record. And keeps getting them. You have to admire Geico. And what a cute lizard!

Brett Farve is undefeated (so far) in the NFL guiding the Minnesota Vikings. His story is such an inspiration that NBC is planning a made-for-TV special about him starring Kirk Douglas as the spunky but talented Brett Favre. I don’t know. Kirk Douglas is a great actor, but wearing the makeup to make himself look older? I’m skeptical. I mean, he dialed in Spartacus, but Brett Favre? We’ll see.

Rod Blagojevich is set to be one of the contestants on Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice.” Between The Donald and Blagojevich, it is set to be a cosmetology fantasy camp. Between Blagojevich’s Ocean Spray logo hair swoop and Trumps’ hairpiece-gone-evil coif, the ratings should be phenomenal. I’m just saying.

President Barrack Obama is still having “beer summits” to find out whether or not to send more or less people to Afghanistan. I’d send in, maybe five. I’d send in Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan and Lindsay Lohan. I mean, I know Lindsay probably wouldn’t make it, which I’m fine with, but the other guys? Damn. I’ve seen them defeat bigger countries than Afghanistan. And while they do it or after they do it? They always say something cool.

Janet Napolitano, the Director of Homeland Security for the Obama administration, offered a controversial remedy for the Swine Flu last week. It seems Medical Marijuana stops the Swine Flu in its tracks. Since the ambiguous marijuana laws differ from state to state, some areas of the U.S. are, like, way better off to stave off the new flu. For instance, California? Dude! No Swine Flu. Utah? They expect losses of more than 300,000 citizens. I wish I could pick which ones…

Anyway, there are way more stories that are happening, but Leave it to Lamas is almost on, so, well, you know. Have a great Halloween and I hope you have a great, unique costume. And if you’re a whore? I hope several people buy you drinks and marvel at your cheerleader/Playboy Bunny/stripper costume. You deserve it. The free drinks should more than make up for your Daddy Issues.