November News

President Bush’s new memoir, Decision Points, was finally released to, surprisingly, a very accepting audience. Said one third-grader, “I liked it when he kept getting his head stuck in the banister on the stairs. That was funny.” In an unfortunate decision from the publisher, the book was not released in a “choose your own adventure” format. This feature would have allowed readers not to invade Iraq, not listen to Dick Chaney, to show up in New Orleans within a respectable timetable and keeping oil companies from making more of a profit than they ever have ever, in the history of ever. On the other hand there are some delightful pictures in the book.

Bristol Palin remains on ABC’s Dancing With The Stars and is heading to the finals despite doubts from many Blue Dog Democrats who doubted her knowledge of the “rhythm method.”

Kanye West has apologized for suggesting that George Bush does not care for black people. Apparently it was a quote from Bush’s new book that turned West’s head around. Bush stated, “I used to own the Texas Rangers, for crying out loud! If I didn’t own—I mean have black people on the team—we would have been in last place every year.”

A bipartisan group dedicated to coming up with a reasonable plan to fix the tattered U.S. economy suggested changing the retirement age from 62 to 69. Most U.S. workers are understandably upset about the prospect, but the most disgruntled employees seem to those working in the adult film/porn industry.

Wade Phillips was fired as head coach from the Dallas Cowboys. After his less-than-stellar record coaching the Cowboys, it was widely speculated that his departure was imminent. On the upside for Phillips, after being fired, he does qualify for Seasonal Unemployment.

Jessica Simpson became engaged to the NFL’s Eric Johnson, her new beau of 6 months. It’s rumored that they “have to get married” because, obviously, she’s in her 2nd trimester. Those “mom” jeans she’s been sporting, I have to assume, are mostly elastic. If she’s not pregnant, my apologies, of course, but damn…

After being kicked off DWTS, Audrina Patridge's mother was spotted ranting, “I’ve had it. I’ve been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bullsh*t, but Audrina’s going to the next level, baby. F—ing Hills girls – Hills tramps! My baby’s a star! She’s the only one that has some class and I don’t give a f— about it.” After witnessing said rant, Judd Apatow, wunderkind producer, announced the leading role in his new production, “Arthur 3: That bitch wants to bring it on? Let’s go!”

Ready to make his acting debut, Bill Clinton has filmed a guest spot on the much awaited movie "The Hangover 2". According to People magazine, the former commander-in-chief portrays himself during a brief appearance shot in Bangkok, Thailand. Apparently this installment of the Hangover will also breach the taboo subject of “ratards.”

Finally, it was revealed in George W. Bush’s recent memoir than the entire White House staff knew that the ex-president hated using a toilet after someone else citing the “icky warmth.” Understandably his quick thinking staff incorporated a refrigerated bidet that more than pleased Bush but quickly got the attention of visiting foreign dignitaries.

I’m sure that there will be more to happen. And I’m sure that everyone, including Jessica Simpson, will eat way too much on Thanksgiving, but have a nice holiday anyway. You might as well.

DonQ