I Am Running For Mayor

I’ve decided I’m running for mayor.

Wasilla, Alaska needs me. Of course I am afraid of wolves, hate the cold, and have really no flannel to speak of in my stylish, GQ-esque, lavish wardrobe, but when a town needs me, I show up with bells on! (Not literally, I mean that metaphorically. Don’t come to any of my rally’s just to see me rockin’ the bells. It’s just a figure of speech).

It seems that my only competition is a Mr. Levi Johnston. He is starring in a reality show "Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office," which will be based on Johnston as he tries to balance his life, run for office and being a father to his and baby mama Bristol Palin’s son Tripp. Okay. He didn’t get his high school diploma, his kid’s name is Tripp and his favorite band is Kottonmouth Kings. Yeah. He doesn’t puff the Cheebah…

Although Wasilla is where Sarah Palin got her start in politics, moving up from City Council to mayor before winning election as Alaska's governor in 2006, that is not why I am running for mayor.

I know, I know. “Don, you’ve got more skeletons in your closet than Jeffrey Dahmer.” True. There are a few things that could hinder my mayoral attempt.

For instance, yes, it’s true that I am openly straight. Verne Rupright, the outspoken current mayor of Wasilla, maintains that he is 100% heterosexual, but come on. He’s always got his car in Trent Buschar’s repair shop and hangs around “til the job’s done.” Nobody’s car breaks down twice a week. Even if it is a Saab. Who is he kidding?

Yes, it’s true that I have a brother who is a Mormon Extremist and his religious/political beliefs have landed him on the No Fly List and he is less than welcome at any political rallies, swap meets, Denny’s, scout-a-rama’s or church basketball games.

According to the Wasilla city clerk, the next mayoral election is in 2011. That means I have a few months to get my message out there. Levi Johnston? He has no message! When he appeared on The View he said, “At this point in time, I couldn't tell you," after Whoopi Goldberg asked what his political platform was. "I said I was running for mayor, what, a month ago?" He added, “I have a three step plan: get some really tricked out rims for my truck, win my Fantasy Football League this year, and then get a platform. In that order.”

I want to be mayor because I understand the problems facing Wasilla. The moose problem? I’ve seen every Rocky & Bullwinkle show, so I think I know how to handle that particular situation. And if a squirrel problem arises? No problem there either.

Teen runaways have been a major issue as of late in the greater Wasilla area. My solution? Recreational drugs for the kids. If teens can forget that they live in Alaska or at the very least, get can get their mellow on while enjoying gallons of hot chocolate in front of the fire, they are way less likely to run away. Or even think about it.

I do not see homelessness as a problem. The guys in Vegas or L.A. who live in a cardboard box and stuff their clothes with newspapers to keep warm? Yeah, they’d last about 45 minutes in Wasilla, Alaska. Problem solved.

As you can see, I am perfect for the mayoral position. Sure I might be a flaming heterosexual, but don’t hold my Don Q. Juan ways against me. I just want to focus on Wasilla. Levi Johnston? He wants to focus on whether or not Tony Romo is going to be back this season, because like a jackass, he picked him as his fantasy football quarterback.

I believe in Wasilla, I have heard of Wasilla, and I will make Wasilla as good as it can be considering its many geographic disadvantages. Vote for me the next time they elect a mayor of Wasilla. Whenever that may be.

(I am DonQ and I approved this e-mail)