Alone

I've been sleeping alone lately. Really. Okay, it's more than that. I've been hanging out alone, too. Really. But I don't mind it too bad, though. Kinda.

It's just me and the bottle makes three ...wait... two tonight. Which is fine. I have total say so over the remote and veto power over the channel selection. AND, yes, I'm having that again tonight, and yes, I know that I've had that 3 times this week. It just sounded good. And yes, actually, I am going to have another. And no, I don't think I have a problem, I mean come on; the fridge is right there. A “problem” would be if I didn't have any scotch chilled or perhaps no ice for a cocktail or maybe if I was broke and didn't personally know the owner of the pawn shop.

No, no problem.

Okay, there may be a bit of a problem. I think I know what it is. I am so sick of me! I'm just around ALL THE TIME! Really, it's getting to the point where I can't stand myself. Oh, I think everything I think or say is soooo funny. What, am I supposed to laugh at that? I've heard it more than a few times. Oh, and I think that I know everything! Really. Am I watching Jeopardy because I like the show or because I'm trying to show myself how much I know?

I am really pushing it with me, I'll tell you that much. I've had it up to here with me!

And don't get me started about the Johnnie Walker Red. Did I at least save some for me!? Looks like "no." I am so damn selfish sometimes! All I ever think about is me. It's hard to be around me sometimes. I swear…

I know what you're thinking. All this time alone, I'll bet it's masturbation time! No. Not so much, not any more. The thing is, I have to be attracted to the person I'm with, and I definitely can't be fed up with whom I'm having physical relations. I just can't. I'm not built that way. I always think I'm SO funny and SO smart, but I find that SO unattractive. Seriously, I could take or leave me. I always say stupid things that I think are funny, but they're not. It's like I am desperate. And I have no time for people like that. No sir! I hate needy people. So here I am, naked and vulnerable and cracking dumb jokes and that is so unattractive! Sometimes it's like I don't even respect myself. And I just can't be with someone I don't respect.

But, being alone has its perks. For instance, no social diseases. Think about it. When's the last time you heard of someone who hasn't had female companionship in the last 3 years, but just got the clap? Never. It can't happen! You can't get a social disease by yourself. Can't be done. Although I'm screwed if they come up with some sexual hermit disease…

"You've been alone for how many years? Mmm hmm. Okay, I think I know what it is. Take these for a month and try and go out and meet some people. And for crying out loud, don't try and be funny. You're not that funny. You try too hard. That's what ruined things between you and yourself in the first place."