I'm Having a Hard Time Sleeping

I’m Having a Hard Time Sleeping. It's no secret that I have a hard time sleeping. I just can’t get it down right. You lie down, get under the covers and… then what? I don’t know. I screw it up somehow and I get zero sleep. I just can’t get a good night's rest. What I did notice is the odd things I think about while attempting to get slumber. Then I think How in the hell did I get on this topic of thought? Then I trace back from what I was thinking at first up to what I'm thinking now and I slowly trace it back. How does this happen? I sat down and figured it out. Here's how I started:

You know what pisses me off about George Clinton & the Parliament Funkadelic? They "want the funk" but they aren’t prepared to “earn it.” I guess they just want it handed to them. I wonder if they ask for "funk" in their prayers?

Prayers.

If you could e-mail prayers instead of just saying them silently, it may be a better system. Within 24 hours, you'd know the status of your prayer. If something happened or more likely, didn't happen, and you wondered why your prayer wasn’t answered? You'd receive this:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification:
THIS IS A WARNING MESSAGE ONLY.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO RESEND YOUR PRAYER.
Delivery to the following recipients could not be reached/has been refused: prayer-wish-hope@god.org. How hard is that? It's a good system I think. Of course you can’t pray for girls you’d like to bed. For that you have to eliminate God and implement Barry White to ensure success.

Barry White.

Who does Barry White listen to when trying to get laid? Probably Sinatra. Or Clay Aiken. Or David Archuleta. I hate these new singers.

Kevin Federline.

I can’t wait for the new Kevin Federline CD. It's going to be good. I imagine it'll be the "Abbey Road" of 2009. If someone’s feeling down, if there’s a great beach party or if someone is having a bad trip and needs to be talked down, put on some Federline, yo. And let the healing begin. Then he can disappear like all of the other Hollywood people you used to see all of the time but don't now, like John Goodman.

John Goodman.

I haven't seen John Goodman in two years. If he hasn't lost weight or shaved the beard, I'll bet he looks like a mountain man.

Mountain men.

I'll bet if you're a mountain man and you wear a coon-skin cap and full buckskins and live in a cabin in the forest you probably don't give a fuck about the Oscars. Or Christmas. But who doesn’t love Christmas?

The Jehovah's Witnesses.

I wonder if they ever have a hostile witness in the Jehovah's Witnesses? And is there a Jehovah's Witness relocation program? I'd hide them in the South. No one looks there.

The South.

A lot of Skynyrd fans claim that the "South Will Rise Again." They even have posters and license plates that say so. So far? I haven't heard boo. What are they waiting for? Now is the time! But I wonder, when they do rise again what will they do when they rise? Take over? They can't. They're not smart. Why do you think they lost the Civil War? They didn't have inferior muskets; they had a lack of knowledge and common sense. I'll bet they even parked their wagons on the lawn. For their own good I think that if they should rise again, they should just nod and smile at everyone and perhaps wave. And then go back to being the Jerry Springer population that we're used to. No one wants change, except 50 Cent.

I can just feel that 50 Cent is gonna change his name to something else any day now. 50 Diddy, 50 Daddy, you know it'll be something stupid like that. Like Prince or symbol like © or something. You give these guys a few bucks and they turn into an asshole. Like Paris Hilton. Not Nikki Hilton, but Paris.

Paris Hilton.

What does she do exactly? She's like an Abbott and Costello routine:
"What do you do?"
"I’m famous."
"Really? What do you do?"
"I’m famous."
"I know, but why? What do you do?"
"I’m famous."

In a way, it makes me miss old girlfriends. They changed as well and turned into every negative stereotype about girls that you could ever imagine. But for a time, they weren’t famous, evil, negative, right, too young, too old or too busy. They were just there. For me. For a while. Then they changed their name to © and left me.

Me.

I hate myself more than the people that hate me. But I think that's from the lack of sleep. Normally, I'm an attractive individual. But not tonight.

I want the funk. I need the funk. I want the funk and I have absolutely no idea in hell of how to get it.