Columbus, the Pothead

Hello friends!

I just wanted to tell everyone that Dave Madden is doing well. Very well. He just bought another plasma screen TV, a $25 bottle of Pinot Noir, his cable hasn’t been shut off yet, and he won “Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence” this year at the Expedia employee appreciation dinner. Not too shabby for an Administrative Assistant in the greater Seattle area.

So why isn’t he happy? I’ll tell you why. Historians have now advanced the theory that Christopher Columbus was a recreational pot smoker.

“He wasn’t a pothead, Donald!” he warns me. “Sure, he might have had a glass or two of scotch, you know, just to get ready for bed, but he didn’t puff the cheeba!” Dave has been getting pretty worked up about the subject.

As you may or may not know, Dave just loves Christopher Columbus.

As historians come forward with new theories concerning Columbus and Cannabis, Dave has been beside himself with anger. He probably calls me three times a week to explain his views. “There’s no way he could have discovered the new world if he was hitting the chronic. He would have got bored and turned his fleet of ships around after the first day of sailing.” Dave is very adamant that Columbus couldn’t have been a garden gnome. “He didn’t even go to college!” he theorizes. Although Dave is a good friend and I want to support him, the historians have made several valid points.

In Spanish, a “Pinta” is a spliff. Apparently “Niña” translates to fire and “Santa Maria” was this hippie chick from Genoa, Italy that sold fat sacks of the sticky-icky-icky to explorers to pay for her three slaves that helped her with her crops.

Another theory has also been advanced that Columbus was NOT looking for a new route to Indies, but rather he was looking for a solid Kind connection in the new world so that Queen Isabella of Spain could leave the schwag of Europe to the peasants and she and her subjects could perhaps split a bag of Sao Paulo North Slope Trip Weed.

“Not true!” says Dave. “They’ve found the remains of the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Maria and not one blunt found! Not one! Columbus was ‘saying no’ to drugs 500 years before Nancy Reagan made it cool. He was a visionary, I tell you. What would our life be like if there had been no Columbus??”

“Well, for one,” I said, “we wouldn’t have any Columbian coffee—” Of course I was just joking, but Dave hung up on me. Seriously. I haven’t heard from him in a week and a half. Apparently, I underestimated Dave’s anger at Columbus’ historical achievements and reputation.

But just because I haven’t heard from Dave doesn’t mean that he’s given up on preserving Columbus’ legacy. No, far from it. His wife, April, says he stays up until 3:00 am, just sitting at the computer, updating the Wikipedia entry for Columbus. He deletes any references to giggle weed, hookah, 4:20, boom, dope, gangster, ganja, grass, hash, herb, pot, reefer, sensimilla, skunk, and last dance with Mary Jane.

But whether or not you believe the historians, you have to admit, Dave Madden always stands behind his friends. And we should to. This is Dave’s day. So send Dave a “Happy Columbus Day” e-mail at dmaddend@expedia.com just to let him know that we’re in his corner. All this worrying can’t be doing his health any good. And at his age, he needs all the help he can get.

Thank you and God bless.
(If he does respond, tell him to call me. Tell him I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!)