Those Satanists Are Very Persistant

So I was enjoying a DVD yesterday (The 40 year Old Virgin) and there was a knock at the door. Cool. Company!

Not cool, two people with pamphlets. Probably Jehovah's Witnesses. Turns out I was wrong.
They were Satanists. I didn't know they went door to door. They seemed sincere, I guess. They asked, "May we take a few minutes of your time to speak with you about the word of the devil?"
WTF?

Now I know almost every religion, for lack of a better word, sends people door-to-door to try and get enough sponsors so they can win the trip to the Bahamas or whatever, but Satanists? What would they have to offer? "You know, we're only on this earth for a short while and then it's eternal damnation and fire and brimstone." I'm not sold.

I made an excuse... I think I told them my colostomy bag just broke or something. They left, of course. I just hope I didn't miss out on anything. I guess I should have heard them out. Would I get special powers? Could I put a curse on people? Could I get tickets to a sold out Ozzy concert? Could I light shit on fire with just a wave of a hand?

I really should have heard them out. Evil powers would really kill the boredom of Daylight Savings Time.

Then again, I don't have any pets or animals. What would I sacrifice? My parents would be SO pissed if I sacrificed any of their animals. They’re kind of attached to their animals. And I don't think your wish comes true unless you have something to sacrifice. For instance, I would guess that sex with Jessica Simpson would require the lives of no less than 80 sheep. Maybe 85. I'll bet after that "Dukes of Hazzard" movie, Satan has been inundated with requests for sex with Jessica Simpson.

But I digress.

I think they'd have a better chance just claiming to be atheists. Sure, evil powers seem cool now, but I kinda hope the afterlife is kinda like "Heaven Can Wait." Just big floating clouds. Kinda like Seattle. But with less coffee.

I guess I'd better make a decision pretty quick. With all of these bloody noses, I'd estimate I've got little time left here. And I’ve already died twice.