Taxes

I just finished doing my taxes. Okay, Dave just finished doing my taxes. I just don’t have the mind for that kind of thing. See, I was in an accident about a year ago…

Anyway, I don’t have to pay “in” this year. Not that I get money back, but I don’t have to pay in. Usually, when I have to pay in, I send my money in the form or Euros or Canadian money just to mess with them. Now? I wish I had some Euros or some Canadian money. It seems like our dollar is worth less than Monopoly money at a strip bar.

As most people do during tax time, I checked to see what my taxes do. Where they go. I was a little taken back to find that we are spending $1,000,000,000 on the war in Iraq. President Bush says “they hate our freedom.” I don’t know. It seems a little extreme to wage a war on a country because of their dislike of our governmental structure but, hey, we can’t allow haters.

As I was Googleing, (you should try it. It’s the most fun you can have with your clothes on) I thought, man, I can’t wait until we win the war and the Iraqi’s start liking freedom because then gas prices will go back down, homeowners will be secure with their payments, the stock market will rise, the dollar will be worth it’s weight in gold, kids won’t shoot each other in school, the federal budget with automatically balance, countries will like us again, it will be safe to fly on airplanes, what happens in Vegas can go anywhere, banks will bail themselves out, the economy will skyrocket, and terrorists will learn their lesson and stop being terrible.

While Googleing (do you think voyeurs like to Google?), I saw that President Bush came up with a $2.9 trillion dollar budget. $2.9 trillion dollars. That’s a lot of coin. Do we even have that? I mean, I didn’t have to pay in this year, so that’s a few hundred bucks they don’t have. If we don’t have the money, where do we get it? Usually, when I’m a little short, I just go to Cade at Cedar Post Pawn, but 2.9 trillion dollars? That’s a lot of money to borrow until payday. And how would I even broach the subject? But maybe he’d like to hear a story like that. Instead of the usual tales he gets about “the ol’ lady” or “hafta pay a fine” he might enjoy hearing a yarn about waging a losing war on a small, oil-rich nation that doesn’t care much for freedom.

So, I Googled (Googleing should be an Olympic event) even more. It turns out we’re borrowing money from China to pay for our expenses. I guess we probably used Hawaii as collateral. Then I thought, We are borrowing money from a communist country to fight a war on a nation because they “hate our freedom.” So Iraq hates freedom, but communist China doesn’t? I guess you can hate freedom if you have a good fiscal outlook. Good thing there is no writer’s strike in Iraq. That would totally tear the country apart. I’m just saying…

So, it seems we are borrowing money from China and the Cedar Post to maintain a presence in Iraq. Can’t we just send Robert Conrad over there to dare the Iraqis to knock a battery off his shoulder? There has to be a better way to spend a billion bucks a month. Important things! Like boosting the economy and saving families from losing their homes? I’d support that. What about setting aside a few billion to find out whether or not Roger Clemens has even done steroids? And maybe an extra billion to find out if he lied about it? I’d certainly be on board with that! We HAVE to know! Money is no object here! Let’s get to them bottom of this! I just hope we don’t find out Roger Clemens hates freedom. He’d be so screwed.

Anyway. My taxes are done.