I Kinda Miss River Phoenix

No one's really died lately. Not that I look forward to things like that, I'm not morbid. But back in the day, that shit used to happen all the time. I was in college when River Phoenix died. He was pretty famous, I guess. I found him interesting in that he was a staunch vegetarian. He wouldn't get within 5 feet of a steak, but he'd do a gram of the horse you rode in on. Sometimes it was coke. Or heroin.

"What am I in the mood for... coke? Or heroin? Hmmm.... coke, heroin, coke, heroin... fuck it, I'll do both."

"You sure?"

"Fuck yeah, I'm sure."

"As long as you know what you're doing."

"Of course I know what I'm doing! I'm River Phoenix! Now hurry up with that shit. There's a killer band playing tonight at the Viper Room."

Then there was Kurt Cobain. I have pretty much every Nirvana CD, but I never got the whole “Kurt” thing. The guy hated press, hated corporate rock and hated promoting his art. What he didn’t hate was the 98% pure China White he was now able to afford thanks to press, the record companies and sold out arenas making him rich and famous. He got so mad at the world, he shot himself. Or more likely, Courtney shot him. But that's neither here nor there.

I remember one day I, myself, was kicking back doing a speedball of coke and heroin when it came on the news that Chris Farley died of a speedball of coke and heroin. Man, what a buzz kill! He was talented, I'll say that. But his death made me stop doing speedballs. You'd have thought I would have learned from River Phoenix but I just figured he couldn't handle it because all he ate was lettuce and Tofu. Now Chris Farley obviously ate a wide variety of food groups. So, I stopped. Those speedballs can kill ya!

That lead singer of Blind Melon? Aahh, I didn't really like them. But he died of an overdose. The most senseless part about his death? 10 years later they released Blind Melon's Greatest Hits. They only recorded 8 songs ever! And now they're going to sift through their catalog to find the best of the 8? Cripes.

You look at Jimi, Janis and Jim Morrison and yeah, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that were pretty much doomed. You knew that by the time their second album came out. You just knew these people were living on borrowed time.

Okay, so why do we still have Keith Richards, Iggy Pop and Ozzy Osbourne. Don't they know that they'd be so much cooler dead? Why aren't the cool people dying anymore? Doesn't make sense. Okay, Dimebag Darrell was shot on stage. That was kind of a surreal thing to happen, kinda cool, but really, the only people who were dramatically affected were the people who sell you pot and the kids that carve shit in their school desks.

There's no more Buddy Holly, John Lennon, Jim Croce, Bob Marley, Keith Moon, Brian Jones, Elvis or River Phoenix. What happened? Why has it stopped?

Where are all of the deranged gunmen who think the White Album was talking to them? I think we need to weed out a few pop icons to make way for a new breed. But who? Obviously not 50 Cent because he's already been shot a handful of times. We don't wanna fuck with his streak. Probably not Michael Jackson because I have a bet with my buddy Dave that he will look like Gollum within the next ten years. Not Brad Pitt because look at the genes! He and Angelina? Damn. Hell Hitler would be proud of their stock! But I digress.

I guess if we need to sacrifice someone to the Entertainment gods it should be someone...oohh, I don’t know... someone like:David Schwimmer (annoying), both Eglesiases (suave? I'll show ya suave!), Hasselhoff (we’re not German), Adam Corolla (sorry, Jimmy), Usher (one word song titles are annoying), P Diddy (anyone who changes their name more than once? Pretentious corksoaker), Prince (see P Diddy), David Caruso (is that really acting? Seriously? It is? Wow), Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas (I'll choose my own fucking cell provider, thank you very much), Andy Dick (he's had it coming since ‘98), D.L. Hughley (maybe political comedy is not your thing, you Marxist with dreads), Larry the Cable Guy (the worst thing to happen to white people since Michael Jackson), Jeff Foxworthy (you know how when you're in a barn makin’ it with your cousin from behind and someone walks in on you and you pretend you were givin’ the Heimlich? No, Jeff, I don’t, you inbred hillbilly), John Madden (quit telling me what happened with the drawings! Have the heart attack that everyone is expecting. John Candy is still in better health.), Tom Cruise (Katie was mine, you bastard! MINE!), Rene Zellwegger (I don't know. Just don't like her.), Jim Carrey (it's time), George W. Bush (the guy will just not admit failure. It's like Ike telling Tina that their marriage is solid as ever), Jay Leno (“well let me ask you this? Have you spent any time in the Sudan with someone you care about recently and had problems with the language?” “Wow, it’s funny that you mention the Sudan, Jay, because my boyfriend and I were just there recently and we couldn't understand a word they said and it was so funny because...” Jays interviews are about as spontaneous as Greta Garbo.), all members of KISS (hopefully the next time they all wear the makeup, it’s applied by a mortician.), and Anthony Hopkins (I don't know. Every character has a British accent? Even in Zorro? Not believing it.)

Well, that should get the ball rolling. There are plenty more who could and should be added to the list but, hey, it's Christmas. Christmas is always a melancholy time. And I have no money. And I really, really, miss River Phoenix.