Not Jay Leno

First of all, this is kinda long now that I look at it. Feel free to delete it, especially if you’re at work. I would. But I keep getting this e-mail. I get this at least 2 times a month. Sometimes it’s written by George Carlin, sometimes some other comedian. This one is by “Jay Leno.” But I doubt it. Anyway, I don’t know whoever wrote this, their heart is in the right place, or I guess I hope it is, but it’s too cut and dry. For me. Is the United States the greatest country in the world? Potentially? Maybe. But just because you want your country to be better, does that make you un-American? God gave you a brain. What are you going to do with it?

Jay Leno (but probably not) wrote this: "The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, what are we so unhappy about? Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?"

Okay, so we have water and electricity and that therefore refutes any complaints we have about the direction of our country. “Our” country. Okay. Forget about the myriad of problems facing the U.S. because of utilities. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? It could be the air conditioning but probably more so because of all-time high gas prices. I’d probably go with that over air conditioning.

"Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?"

So we’re better than Darfur so we should shut up about everything? Why don’t we just change our motto to “The USA: We’re better than Darfur.”

"Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?"

Or, we could fly. That’s an option. I mean hell, with gas prices so high (but I’m not complaining) it’d most likely be the sensible transportation.

"Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?"

Motels? Clean and safe? Then why do they even HAVE a safe? You mean I need to put my valuables in a safe? Are people dishonest? And those sheets? They look like a Rorschach tests.

"I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital."

Okay, you got me on this. I was extricated about a year ago and they did a good job. I’m alive. Except they cut my jacket off with an Exact-O knife. Ever heard of a zipper people? That jacket, not my personality, was responsible for my way with the ladies. But I digress…

"Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings."

Okay, 70% may own a home, but how many are going to have it next year because the economy is shite? More people have lost their home in the past year than those who voted for Kady Malloy on American Idol. And fire fighters do their job partly to save you, partly to try and get on that damn “hunk” calendar.

"Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss."

A policeman might lose his life or a burglar might lose his because of fancy electronics? Wow. The U.S. is kinda materialistic. But I won’t rush to judgment. I’ll wait til’ Christmas to see.

"This is all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers."

90% of teenagers pay their own cell phone and internet bill? Cool.

"How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?"

So Mormon missionaries can deface a Catholic statue or a Catholic priest can have his way with you? That’s tolerance.

"Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. Themost blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know."

What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out?

"The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?"

Are you kidding me? Guided the nation? Or more so he happened to be president when the worst attack on American soil happened? He also kicked ass in Katrina. Just ask everyone in New Orleans. And the president brought the economy out of recession? For what, 5 minutes? What is the deficit now, 4 Kazillion dollars? Ironically, he was called “every name in the book” from a book with passages he has to “sound out.” But, his good friends in Texas are doing quite well, fiscally, even though Americans die every day because a roadside bomb or something equally as devastating. I know Saddam was a bad guy but why trade 4,290 American lives for one Iraqi bad one? I hope it’s not for oil. I think our soldiers over there are incredible. Absolutely. And not just in Iraq. The ones all over the world. They do what is asked and they perform unbelievably. I could never do what they do. But when they get blindsided and die, I can do nothing but pray for them. And it’s frustrating.

"The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it... are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day?"

No, I am upset at the president because Americans die almost every day in Iraq, the economy is crap, people are losing their houses, and gas is headed to $4 a gallon. We are unsafe visiting a myriad of countries abroad, the deficit… I’m just glad I don’t have kids, they’d be faced with a *$^#@ of a bill! In the U.S., the dollar can buy you anything (and yes, I do mean anything), we’re daily losing the freedoms that we are so proud of but invade other countries to establish, our drinking water has more pharmaceuticals than David Crosby’s coffee, we’re tired, negative, hurt, we have little-to-no say in the goings-on of our country and we are hated by most of the places I’d love to visit.

"Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go."

They died for my freedom? So I wasn’t free before?

"Then why did they hate us? They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!"

So I guess America is great because of its democracy and principles. Like presuming O.J. is guilty even after being pronounced innocent by a jury of his peers. Democracy. This is why we’re proud, right? Isn’t democracy is what we’re all about? Do I think he did it? Hell, I don’t know! All I know is what the 1,205,875,003,203 people have told me about it. Apparently they do know. I do agree with the media being too invasive. Poor Britney can’t drop a deuce without there being photos in the Enquirer or Star. But the Enquirer or Star wouldn’t even exist without readers. Or lookers. People love bad news, especially celebrity bad news. Celebrities are famous. That’s so cool.

"Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day or at least be thankful and appreciative."

Yes, we should.

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Okay, this is dangerous ground here. Hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, and severe thunderstorms are all acts of God. I don’t think any of the “unhappy Americans” are unhappy with Him. No, I don’t think we should blame Him. I’m thinking Republicans, Democrats, cheating governors, oil companies, plain people who love money, who love gossip, love failure and people who don’t put their cart back in the return stall at the supermarket just because no one is watching. That and $3.50 for gas just burns my chaps! And yes, I have chaps. They’re really awesome chaps. I’m just saying…