Honesty

Every time a friend, man or woman, tells me that they’re going to give his/her relationship another chance, I always say, “Really??!” I need to stop doing that. But it breaks my heart when they think that the key to forever is honesty. A Bee Gees album works better than honesty as far as relationships go.

Breakups. It makes me laugh when someone says, “At least they were honest.” No they weren’t. “Dating” people are like college coaches out there. If they were honest they’d say, “I found a better draft pick than you.” Even if they AREN’T leaving you for someone else they’d say, “I’m leaving you on the off hand chance that I will find somebody better, and when that someone comes along, I don’t want to be obligated to you.”

Honesty. Right. They probably used the old, “I wanna just be by myself for a while.” Translation: “I would rather be alone than be with you.” Or maybe they used, “I’m just trying to be realistic with my life right now.” Translation: “You REALLY need to make more money. Seriously.” Another? “I just don’t think we’re right for each other.” Translation: “I can totally find a better looking guy.” My favorite? “I think we’re better off as friends.” Translation: “You wouldn’t believe the parade of guys I have to think about when we do it. That’s why I close my eyes. I’m not really getting into it. I just don’t want to look up and see you and ruin it.”

Girls often accuse me of not being romantic. Maybe. I guess I can see that. But girls think they are way more romantic than they actually are. They like all the stories of people who would do anything for love, or the woman who pass up a truckload of money and comfort for love. When I tell a chick that I don’t have a lot of money, they think it’s cool to say, “I don’t even care about that. I love you.” Yeah, well, what they’re really saying is, “You have no money, you’re not that good looking, obviously you dress poorly as a result of having no money… there no earthly reason to be with you… but I’m USED to you. And you know all my friends. And I really don’t want to train a new guy.”

It’s a wonder couples ever make it to the marriage stage. The first date. Time to check your honesty at the door. The guy can’t say, “I’m going to try really hard to impress you so that you’ll think I’m this ideal guy and hopefully I will end up having sex with you. Tonight.” The girl can’t say, “I’m going to try to remind you of a super model and seem incredibly sincere and hot, yet down-to-earth so I can pretend I never do this and hopefully, you will end up having sex with me. Tonight.”

Where do you go for the first date? The guy always says, “What are you in the mood for?” Then the girl says, “Oh, I don’t care. What sounds good?” If both parties were honest, the guy is thinking, Hamburgers, steak, Mexican, Thai, Italian… doesn’t matter where we go as long as it serves alcohol because baby, I’m gonna get you drunk! The girl? Doesn’t matter where we go because I’m going to only have a salad and pretend I have the appetite of a supermodel for at least the first three dates and most likely? I’m gonna pretend to be drunk!

Why does a guy think he has to use money to impress women? It’s not like they’re going to think, Man, I’ll bet if I get naked and rock his world, I’ll bet he’ll use his money on me. Or maybe let ME spend some of it. Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Inevitably, friends ask about whom you’re seeing. What they’re really saying is (guys) did you do it? (Girls) Is he marriage material? Anymore, it’s easier to get into Harvard than to pass a girls’ marriage test. And yes, they do have a checklist. Some are short and to the point. Any diseases? No? Both legs functional? Yes, okay. And……you worked… once, cool, good enough for me!

Then there’s the high maintenance questionnaire. What color is your car? Do you belong to at least two or more clubs that I can brag about? Do you make more money than my parents? Do my friends want to sleep with you? You know, it all factors in.

The truth is that the minute men and women start telling the truth, they’re doomed. Over. Sayonara. Bye, bye.

One of my girlfriends had a quirk. I’d ask her a serious question and before she would give her answer she always start with, “Honestly?”

What did she expect? No. Not honestly. I hate that. Especially if it’s going to be something I don’t want to hear, need to hear or something that would hurt my feelings. Never be honest with me. Ever. Can you imagine if honesty infiltrated wedding vows? That wouldn’t be good.

“I’ve loved you ever since the day you told me that we were expecting. Your smile, your eyes and your personality are… something I can learn to live with. When I think of you and then think of every other woman out there… I get jealous. Of almost everyone. But I guess I made my bed and… and I’ve learned through a deep personal search that I’m not getting any younger.”

Honesty is a horrible policy. No one is honest. TV ads? Not honest. They say that everyone is talking about “Emily’s Reason’s Why Not.” They lied. It was canceled 5 minutes into the first episode. Undercover cops who want to buy a dime bag? Lying. The Clintons (male or female)? Liars. My mom? I am NOT special! Liar! Weathermen? Almost always liars. The chef at Wingers who claim their meat is “grilled to perfection”? Liars. The host of Saturday Night Live who always tells me, “we’ve got a great show for you so stick around!” Liars. Most of the time.

It seems girls are more likely to lie to boys and vice versa. Lying has been around for ages, although in Columbus’ day it was probably way easier to say, “Yeah, babe, I’ll totally call you.” You probably didn’t even have to make up excuses about switching phones with someone else at the club. You could just say, “Oh, babe, yeah, I was at a pub, but it was so loud in there! Some servant came in and read a parchment, but I couldn’t hear a word he said.”

Honesty has never worked in foreign relations, US candidacy, buying a dime bag or at the very least, a relationship. Honesty is the reason for Prosaic, Xanex and beer. No one expects it, but everyone asks for it. Think about it when you lock your car. When you lock your front door. When you set your alarm or when you say to a friend, “Really?” You don’t believe anyone. You expect the worst, and when you lose something, do you expect to get it back? Yeah. Right. You have a better chance of getting your virginity back better than the cell phone you left at Chilli’s.

I’m just saying…