Phrases, Revisited

So I’m at a funeral the other day. This trixie goes up to the (new) widow and says, “I am so, so, sorry.” I caught up with her and asked her, “Why did YOU say ‘I’m sorry’? You didn’t kill the guy. It was just auto-erotic asphyxiation gone bad.”

She just looked at me and said blankly, “It’s just something you say at funerals.” Just something you say. Man, these phrases nowadays are too commonplace. Some of them just don’t make sense.

Like when someone says, “Here, let me show you a little trick…” Usually, they don’t show you a trick; they just show you how THEY perform the task or duties. A trick? They pretend to be Lance Burton but usually, just come off as an asshole.

Lost and Found. If you lose your cell phone, you go back to Red Robin and ask if they have a cell phone in their Lost and Found. Why is it a “lost and found”? If you went to the Lost and Found and asked to see an item you lost, it won’t be there. You lost it. Rather, you’re hoping that someone, perhaps more sober than you were, found it. It should just be called a “Found.” You don’t turn in things that you lost.

Have you noticed that (especially dramatic) girls will always announce their premise by saying, “Well, it’s official!”? Like they might say, “Well, it’s official! I now have more damage and loose ends than New Orleans!” No. It might be unfortunate. It might be unlucky. It might be ironic. But it’s not “official.” Not even close.

Ever have that friend, usually and asshole, who says, “That’s what I’M talkin’ about”? Most likely they weren’t talking about anything; they just want to somehow take credit for a fortunate occurrence that happened apropos of nothing. (A footnote to these types of people: they will also tell you that “that’s how they roll.” A fun thing to do when this occurs is to ask them to be more specific. ‘How one rolls’ can be a rather difficult subject to articulate. Especially for Utahns.)

I hate phrases. But every citizen, it seems, just kind of goes along with them like they understand them. Did you know that Super Delegates do not, in fact, wear capes and fight crime? What makes them “super?” Did you know that “waylaid” means “to lie in wait for or attack from ambush”? Man, was my face red when I found this out! I thought it was just a dude who got a whole bunch of action from some trixie(s).

Maybe it’s me? The National Enquirer always says that Britney Spears or Paris Hilton was spotted “canoodling” with some random guy. Okay, I’ve done it in every position possible. Really. And I yell out each one like a good aerobics instructor, but I could not, with 100% certainty say that I have “canoodled.” I’m even embarrassed to ask…

America is getting worser and worser and people are accepting it! Like mosquitoes? Why can’t we just kill mosquitoes… for good? We get them down, almost gone, and then we let up on them like George Bush, Sr. did with Iraq in ‘91. Doesn’t make sense. No one wants mosquitoes, especially me.

But I digress. I have to stop using phrases that don't make sense. I just like certain phrases that have that certain je ne sais quoi. But that's just me. Speaking of me, I think I’ll have one more scotch and then go to bed. That’s how I roll. I’m just saying…