Boob "Jobs"

So I have a friend, a girl, who got a boob job. Just by me saying that, you know what I mean, right? That’s all you have to say. Everyone just goes, “…oh, bigger now, huh?” It’s understood. It’s such a blue collar phrase: “boob job.” Almost has a work ethic attached to it. Boob “job.”

Conversely, men cannot do this. If I said, “Yeah, Dave just got a wienie job.” You’d think WTF? Is he okay? Is he getting something fixed? Is it medical? Is it cosmetic? Is he trying to be like that lady who keeps getting plastic surgery trying to look more and more like her cats?

But women? It’s pretty much known that a boob job is getting them bigger. There’s 5,519 things you can do with boobs, but a “boob job” is making them bigger.

Making them smaller? A breast reduction. But men have a hard time saying this. They’ll usually whisper the last part. For example, a man would say, “You know Lisa? In accounting? Dude, she had a breast reduction. Seriously.” The word “reduction” is usually barely audible. The word “seriously” is because men think that no one would ever, ever believe this.

I find funny the girls who’ll disagree with anyone that they’ve had work done. They deny, deny, deny, like Bill Clinton at a lingerie party. You call them on it, and of course they say something that tries to force a compliment. They say, “You think I had a boob job? Really? Why?” That’s when I burst their bubble. I say, “Because Friday, at 5:00 when you left work, you looked like Kansas. Now you look like… well, a state with really, really big boobs.

The girls that DO admit to having work done try and make it sound official and necessary. They either say that they had a “breast enlargement” or a “breast augmentation.” If you say, “Can you define “augment”? They say, “Um… no. That’s just what it says on my Amex bill…” Yeah, like they paid for the boobs. Probably some poor guy with the same outside chance as Ron Paul, who has a few thousand that he wouldn’t mind investing on futures.

What I love are the reasons why women get a boob job. Sometimes they’re honest and they say, “I’m sick of losing jobs to illegals!” Well, they don’t say that exactly, but that’s what they mean. Or, the self-important girls, the corporate girls, might say, “It gave me a lot of self-confidence.” Really? You’re saying, “Man, I could totally crunch the numbers and do this proposal for my colleagues if only my boobs were just a little bit bigger…” They’re so stupid.

To give you an idea of how stupid it sounds, think of the new trend sweeping Hollywood. Vaginal Rejuvenation. I swear. I don’t know what’s involved in this procedure. Look it up. All of the big name trixies are doing it. But how unintelligent are these women going to sound when they get the rejuvenation and their defense is, “It gave me a lot of self-confidence?”

Boob jobs. I used to be against the proposed power plant in Sigurd, but hey, the proponents keep saying, “It’ll create jobs.” Just what kind of jobs are we talkin’?

No one wants to get old. And you can tell, just go to the market. There’s hair dye, teeth whitener, facial scrub, Viagra, staving off the inevitable, vitamins, dieting, eye contacts, saving the planet (Earth), Rogaine, impending prostates problems and menopause.

But do me a favor. Just don’t develop a personality. Find some product or surgery to stave off the inevitable. Just don’t rely on you individuality. That’s the last thing we need. I’m just saying…