Christmas 2007

Hello all. I hope my Kwanzaa e-mail finds you well. I am in Seattle Washington, or as my dad says, "Warshington." I'm hanging with the Dave & April Madden. It's very Christmassy up here and last night Dave took me to the mall to see Santa. I sat on his lap even though he had an obvious erection (I just assumed he was getting into character and was trying to be jolly. Maybe he's a "method" Santa.)

Well, he did the whole "ho, ho, ho" thing and then went on and on about how young I look for my age. He said that I was probably the most fit guy to ever sit on his lap and I was so hot and funny, yada, yada, yada... Okay, I might be paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Anyway, he got right to the point. "What do you want for Christmas this year?" And it hit me. I didn't know. I had no clue what to ask for this year. None! I mean, what? Money? I already made a fortune off 12 Daily Pro. I'm set. A sports car? Got one. Date a Playmate? Done it. Miss Feb. 2006. I mean, seriously, I've got it all. Sometimes I find myself living vicariously through myself. Then I thought of the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

Helping those less fortunate than myself. And I thought of Dave Madden. He needs my help. It's a good thing Dave is married because almost every girl on earth thinks he's Urkell without all the sex appeal. Really. I know Jehovah's Witnesses who won't let him in the front door. Chicks are an enigma wrapped up in a riddle for Dave. It's like he's going for Nolan Ryan's strikeout record. Not good with the trixies!

Poor guy. I mean, yeah, he's married and of course I don't want him to stray, but at the same time I don't want him be embarrassing around anyone with breasts. This is where I come in. I can take him under my wing and coach him. I mean, come on!

Miss Teen Texas, Sevier County Dairy Princess, Miss UVSC, Miss February 2006, Miss Wasatch County, Miss.. you get the point. Under my tutelage, I can make him a little more Warren Beatty, a little less Bud Bundy. And I'll be in Seattle for a while (assuming he has a good sense of humor), so I have the time. It'll be Christmas miracle!

God bless us, everyone! For all of YOU, I wish you the bestest Christmas and a fabulous New Year (Dave's 1st lesson: never use the word "fabulous." Unless you want trixies to see you like Samantha's one gay friend on Sex And The City.) I'm just saying... Merry Christmas! Have a great 2008!