I Don't Know About Wells Fargo

I don’t know about my bank. Strange things afoot at Wells Fargo.

Okay, the candy: can they change the type every now and again? State Bank has a variety of hors d'oeuvres and foie gras for their customers. Zion’s bank features chili and beer in a can to remain “in touch” with their slack jawed yokel customers. But Well Fargo? That same damn candy. I Googled the candy and each piece contains 150 gm of fat, 728 calories and a pinch of evil.

Last time I was in there, I asked the girl why they don’t vary from that particular candy. Without batting an eye she said, “We hope all of our customers either lose their teeth and/or die.” Apparently if you pass, Wells Fargo just keeps your money and buys lunch for the staff on Fridays.

Strange things happening at Well Fargo. They open at 9 am. I showed up at 8:58 (so I’m overly punctual. Sue me) They were chanting and humming and had a makeshift pentagram on the ground made from magazines, sticky notes and deposit slips. I couldn’t hear exactly what they were chanting but I caught the words “Satan” “Oprah” and “William Shatner.”

And the e-mails! I used to get the typical ones, you know, “Start planning your retirement now” or “You’re two clicks away from financial freedom!” Now I get Fwd: FW: Hilary naked! Or Fwd: FW: Obama is gonna get us! (You know, the one where they remind you that his middle name is Saddam and his uncle works for al-Qaeda in the meat department).

And the tellers! You’ve seen Dukes of Hazzard, right? Jessica Simpson as Daisy? Yeah, these girls look more like Uncle Jesse. Or Cooter, maybe. That one loan officer used to babysit Strom Thurmond.

My friend Cade banks there. They called his wife to verify “mysterious charges” to the Dew Drop Inn off 89. Also, it appears that he bought a nightgown from Christensens in January and they just wanted to make sure it was, in fact, for his wife. Apparently, Wells Fargo is also into c@ck-blocking.

I don’t know. Maybe, as usual, I’m over-analyzing things. But they could change that damn candy. I’m just saying.